Lego bricks are generally awesome, and by all accounts The
Lego Movie, opening this weekend, is as well. So we thought we’d make sure the
folks at Lego didn’t get too full of themselves by reminding the world of the
worst toys, figures and building sets they’ve unleashed upon the world. Warning:
Construction ahead.
1) Mr. Bunny
NO. JUST NO. I have no idea what possessed a single Lego engineer to
create this cast-off from the Island of Dr. Moreau, let alone what made the
company release it on an unsuspecting world. Or why they thought the two white
round bricks underneath the nose-piece would represent two buck teeth and not
some kind of abnormal growth. All I know is that all of these decisions were
made in hate and fury.
2) “Fire Truck”
I put this is in quotes, because as you can see, while Lego
assures us that this 1997 set is of a fire truck, it clearly looks nothing like
a fire truck. Oh, it’s red, and it is a vehicle, but that’s pretty much where
the similarities stop.
3) “Fire Chief”
And what good is a completely bizarre fire truck without an
equally bizarre fire chief? Admittedly, this fire chief is too good to ride on
the truck with his peons, and has his own mini-vehicle, without doors or even
sides, to travel on. He also has his own little hose for… little fires? When
he’s out fighting fires by himself? Because all the other Lego firemen think
he’s a dick?
4) Jack Stone Bank
Breakout
Call me crazy, but I think I’m got a pretty good idea how
the robber could break into this bank. Or out, I guess. Are those ATMs? Are
they behind the bars or in front of them? Is this guy trying to break into to access an ATM, or is he trying to get the endless void on the other side? In
either case, this thing sucks.
5) Fabuland Big Band
Back in 1979, Lego created Fabuland, a line full of
anthropomorphic animals, as sort of an intermediary set between Duplos and
Legos. They’re kind of terrifying, like if Hunter S. Thompson had designed a
toddler’s Lego line while high on mescaline. But nothing is more chilling that
The Fabuland Big Band set, featuring Peter Pig and Gabriel Gorilla. What kind of
monsters would listen to a band consisting of nothing but a drummer and tuba
player?
6) Star Wars Final
Duel II
Yes, now you can recreate the thrilling action of Luke
Skywalker’s final duel with Darth Vader and the Emperor by… watching him walk down
the hallway to his final duel with Darth Vader and the Emperor? As
long as he walks no more than four steps, because that’s all the hallway
included.
7) Znap Jet-Car
In 1998, Lego introduced their K’nex-like building sets
called Znap, because Zs make everything cooler. Indeed, the line wasn’t overall
bad — most of the kits looked all right, an they had crazy things like a
Dino-Jet a giant ant along with the hover-subs and other vehicles. Which makes
this piece of crap — which Lego tried to pass off as a “Jet-Car” — even more
obnoxious.
8) Jack Stone Red
Flash Station
Okay, Lego, now you’re not even fucking trying.
9) NHL Slammer
Stadium
Remember back in the early ’00s, when Lego started trying to
make sports games out of Legos? One of the earliest catastrophes was the NHL
Slammer Stadium, in which sentient giant head statues from Easter Island played
a rousing game of hockey. But what’s worse is the rink itself — a flimsy
cardboard rink, surrounded by an even flimsier wall. If only Lego has some kind
of more durable building material to work with!
10) Fabuland Harry
Horse and Clara Cow’s Ice Cream Shoppe
Another Fabuland set, obviously, begging a very disturbing
question: Where does Clara get the milk
to make the ice cream?
11) Belville Interior
Designer
Well before Lego Friends, Lego tried to reach girls with
Belville set, a 1994 series which focused more on figures and playsets more
than construction. The problem was the figures were godawful and the sets were a
weird mix of fairy tale stuff and standard, mundane doll activities. But once
Lego exhausted the traditional beauty salons and stables, they threw together this —
sure, an interior designer is a pretty progressive progression for a doll to
have in the ’90s, but it kind of undercuts the message when her design
equipment consists of a stand-alone sink, a bathtub (the hell?) and a brush. If you
can think of a sadder image than a girl trying to brush her ugly, tiny doll’s
plastic hair helmet, please let me know.
12) Belville Prince
Justin
I wasn’t lying about the dolls.
13) Technic R2-D2
If Artoo had a skeleton, this is what it would look like.
Lego couldn’t be bothered to make a single piece that would prevent him from
essentially being see-through. Feel free to insert a C-3PO/Phantom Menace “I’m
naked!” joke here, if you’re a bad person.
14) Jack Stone Fire
Response SUV
Does no one at Lego know what a goddamn firetruck looks
like? Or an SUV, for that matter?
15) Galidor Nick
In 2002, Lego had big plans for a new toyline call Galidor.
They were so confident that they ordered a CG cartoon and had it on the air, about
two teens named Nick and Allegra who are transported to an alien world
threatened by evil aliens. It didn’t do well at all, and I’m confident it wasn”t
helped by this promotional figure of Nick, which looked like Chinese bootleg
toy assembled by the blind and then stuck in a microwave for a while. Nick here
makes Prince Justin look like Ryan Gosling.
16) Fabuland Peter
Pig the Cook
Peter Pig has murdered the sentient Turkey man of Fabuland
and eaten him, or at least plans to.
