Vampire Diaries was once again on top of its game last night, with an
episode co-written by Caroline Dries, whose name I’ve noticed on a lot of great
hours of television lately. And this might have been the funniest episode, line
for line. Here are all the funniest lines, for your perusal.
In this week’s TVD, the newly mortal Silas schemes to destroy the
Other Side so he can die and resurrect Bonnie — but it turns out the anchor to
the Other Side is Silas’ old love Amarra, who drinks the cure for immortality
from Silas’ blood so she can die — and she winds up being Damon’s prisoner.
Stefan, Tessa, and later Elena, get trapped in a house by a spell Silas cast,
and Stefan finally saves Elena from Tessa — so Tessa punishes Stefan by
restoring his memory. And then Katherine and Caroline team up to investigate
Professor Evilpants, and later Katherine blackmails him to help her avoid dying
of old age.
“Three, two…” “Greetings.” “…one.” —
Damon counts down to someone ruining his day, and Silas shows up just on time.
“I’m like a supernatural Madonna” — Silas is endlessly
reinventing himself.
“You’re kind of evil. No offense.” “None taken” — Silas
is completely comfortable with his alignment.
“Did you want me to pinky swear?” — Silas’ response to Elena’s
trust issues.
“The supernatural other world is bound by an object in Snooki’s back
yard?” — Damon, on finding out the mystical “anchor” is in New
Jersey
“You know what? I still need to be drunk, to understand this story.”
— Amnesiac Stefan joins all of us at home who play the Vampire Diaries
Drinking Game.
“You’re scared of a teacher? Aw, honey. You really need to take a crash
course on Villain 101. Luckily for you, I have an honorary doctorate.” —
Katherine owns her alignment, too.
“May I take a message?” “Yeah, remind him that you’re a crazy
bitch.” “I would, but I think that’s maybe his type.” — Tessa
completely burns Elena. Ouch.
“Knock knock. Who’s there? The mayor. Mayor who?” Damon rolls his
eyes. “Well, who?” “Nobody. That’s the joke. Noone’s there
because I killed the mayor.” — Silas really owns his alignment.
“I’m no shrink, but I think it’s called codependence.” — Tessa
nails down the Damon/Elena relationship.
“It’s being secure. I assume you know something about that by the way
you wear your hair.” — Damon delivers a backhanded compliment to Silas.
“That’s not fate, you idiot. That’s you being a crazy person.” —
Damon skips the compliment and goes straight to the “backhand.”
“If the average male has 5 pints of blood…” “Just round
up.” — Caroline and Katherine try to figure out how much blood to drain
out of Professor Evilpants.
“What. Are you the sandwich police?” — Katherine snarfing all the
finger foods, and incidentally proving she’s not a vampire.
“Look at all the incredible things they’ve drummed up to do with food.
Pineapple on pizza.” (To Elena): “So sad. Gluten free?” — Tessa
is excited about 1000 years of culinary advances.
“Do you have a duck?” “No. Maybe I could lure one inside. I
got Elena in. How much smarter could a duck be?” — Tessa boasts of her
duck-calling powers.
That’s pretty much where the funny lines end, as the final 10 minutes or so
of the episode are a descent into creepy weirdness as Katherine blackmails
Professor Evilpants, Amarra turns on her love of 2000 years, and Tessa turns
psycho on Stefan. All in all, a fine hour of TVD.
