The Absolute Best Lines from Last Night's Vampire Diaries

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Vampire Diaries was once again on top of its game last night, with an episode co-written by Caroline Dries, whose name I've noticed on a lot of great hours of television lately. And this might have been the funniest episode, line for line. Here are all the funniest lines, for your perusal.


In this week's TVD, the newly mortal Silas schemes to destroy the Other Side so he can die and resurrect Bonnie — but it turns out the anchor to the Other Side is Silas' old love Amarra, who drinks the cure for immortality from Silas' blood so she can die — and she winds up being Damon's prisoner. Stefan, Tessa, and later Elena, get trapped in a house by a spell Silas cast, and Stefan finally saves Elena from Tessa — so Tessa punishes Stefan by restoring his memory. And then Katherine and Caroline team up to investigate Professor Evilpants, and later Katherine blackmails him to help her avoid dying of old age.

"Three, two..." "Greetings." "" — Damon counts down to someone ruining his day, and Silas shows up just on time.

"I'm like a supernatural Madonna" — Silas is endlessly reinventing himself.

"You're kind of evil. No offense." "None taken" — Silas is completely comfortable with his alignment.

"Did you want me to pinky swear?" — Silas' response to Elena's trust issues.

"The supernatural other world is bound by an object in Snooki's back yard?" — Damon, on finding out the mystical "anchor" is in New Jersey


"You know what? I still need to be drunk, to understand this story." — Amnesiac Stefan joins all of us at home who play the Vampire Diaries Drinking Game.

"You're scared of a teacher? Aw, honey. You really need to take a crash course on Villain 101. Luckily for you, I have an honorary doctorate." — Katherine owns her alignment, too.


"May I take a message?" "Yeah, remind him that you're a crazy bitch." "I would, but I think that's maybe his type." — Tessa completely burns Elena. Ouch.

"Knock knock. Who's there? The mayor. Mayor who?" Damon rolls his eyes. "Well, who?" "Nobody. That's the joke. Noone's there because I killed the mayor." — Silas really owns his alignment.


"I'm no shrink, but I think it's called codependence." — Tessa nails down the Damon/Elena relationship.

"It's being secure. I assume you know something about that by the way you wear your hair." — Damon delivers a backhanded compliment to Silas.


"That's not fate, you idiot. That's you being a crazy person." — Damon skips the compliment and goes straight to the "backhand."

"If the average male has 5 pints of blood..." "Just round up." — Caroline and Katherine try to figure out how much blood to drain out of Professor Evilpants.


"What. Are you the sandwich police?" — Katherine snarfing all the finger foods, and incidentally proving she's not a vampire.

"Look at all the incredible things they've drummed up to do with food. Pineapple on pizza." (To Elena): "So sad. Gluten free?" — Tessa is excited about 1000 years of culinary advances.


"Do you have a duck?" "No. Maybe I could lure one inside. I got Elena in. How much smarter could a duck be?" — Tessa boasts of her duck-calling powers.

That's pretty much where the funny lines end, as the final 10 minutes or so of the episode are a descent into creepy weirdness as Katherine blackmails Professor Evilpants, Amarra turns on her love of 2000 years, and Tessa turns psycho on Stefan. All in all, a fine hour of TVD.




Ah yes, in terms of comedy this was a glorious outing on TVD's part. In terms of anything else, not so much. This felt like a totally filler episode, however, if they're planning on making all filler episodes like this, go right ahead as far as I'm concerned. I'm just sad at the loss of amnesiac puppet Angel, because he was really growing on me. Let's just hope he learned something from his experiences.

In any case, TVD has been fucking awesome lately, and this one somewhat shaky episode is well earned.

Oh, one thing Charlie Jane, I just can't believe you left out the bit with Caroline zoning out and almost killing professor Evilpants. That bit was pure Caroline gold.