Screenshot: Amazon

Welcome to another edition of Amazon Prime Day, an event described in earnest by the everything store as “a 2-day parade of epic deals.” If you can stomach scouring the website and mostly wading through a lot of hot garbage, you may land on something actually useful. But mostly, you’ll find deals on a lot of shit you don’t actually need—or in some cases, even want—contrary to what Jeff Bezos and capitalism would have you believe.

While it’s become increasingly accepted that Amazon putting up some sales in the middle of summer is some kind of new national holiday, it’s getting harder to separate the standard crap from the top-of-the-line bullshit. But as is tradition, we happily accept this opportunity to guide you through the shittiest deals of Prime Day. And remember, those who buy nothing at all save the most money.

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Embark Dog DNA Test

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Novelty DNA testing kits for humans come with disturbing implications, Novelty DNA testing kits for dogs are just a waste of time, money, and scientific advancement. The fact that these DNA companies may not even be able to tell the difference between human and doggy DNA means that this test is probably as good as any. By avoiding this at all costs, you’ll save a bundle.

AZ Patio Firepit Recycled Glass

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A bag of broken glass that’s half price and costs 40 bucks is still a bag of broken glass that costs 40 bucks.

40-Count Single Serve Cups For Keurig K-Cup Brewers

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We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: Stop buying these goddamn k-cups.

Fred E.M.T. (Emergency Meal Transport) Insulated Lunch Tote

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A plain old, regular ass lunch box would have been just fine. But if you want to pay a premium to look like you’re carrying around human organs, you do you.

SoundSOUL Dancing Water Speakers

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I am truly at a loss to call to mind the kind of person who would spend any number of dollars—much less 14 of them—for this bizarre, tiny LED water show, but let’s hope that person is not you. If it is, congratulations.

Red Bull Energy Drink

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Between you and me, this shit is poison. Pear poison.

KIDZ BOP 39

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“In My Feelings” doesn’t need any help being more terrible than it already is. Give yourself and your children the gift of real music.

Life Would Succ Without You Succulent

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Something definitely succs here.

What kind of e-commerce atrocities have you uncovered this Prime Day? Feel free to share with the class down below. And we’ll keep updating this post with our finds.

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