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The Worst Bargains of Amazon Prime Day [Updated]

Image: Gizmodo
Image: Gizmodo

Amazon treats its annual Prime Day like a religious holiday for shopping and the greatest thing capitalism hath wrought. In fairness, you can find some sweet, sweet deals amongst the pages of dog food and baby monitors, especially if you’re patient and enjoy spending your day hiding an Amazon webpage from the prying eyes of your boss.

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But what about the rejects? What about the items that would be better relegated to an “everything must go” sale in a dusty warehouse off of I-95?

Don’t worry. There are plenty of those, too!

The Human Centipede: The Complete Sequence

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“The Complete Sequence” visual is nightmare-inducing in this context, but maybe this deal is for you if you enjoy bombarding people with terrible cinematic taste and/or a terrible sense of irony.


Derek Jeter dirt

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Here, celebrate Derek Jeter’s complete lack of range with some expensive dirt.


Humans of New York: Stories

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No.


40-count Crazy Cups Flavored Coffee Single Serve Cups for Keurig K Cups Brewer Variety Pack Sampler

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How many times do we have to tell you? Stop buying these fucking coffee pods.


Vegan jerky

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There is no such thing as a vegan barbecue, and there is no such thing as vegan jerky. It’s a lie. A figment of some poor sap’s meat-starved brain.


Our Family Rules 12x18 Earth Tones By Marla Rae Decorative Wall Art Decor

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“Our family rules, so I bought this sweet-ass decorative wall mural to celebrate. Now, everyone hug!”


Luwint LED Colorful Flashing Finger Lighting Gloves for Light Show, Retail Box

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Check out my sick light up gloves, bro!


Raising Chickens For Dummies, 2nd Edition

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“100% claimed”


Purr Power (Cat Purr Therapy for Healing and Relaxation)

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You can basically already find this for free on Spotify!


Toe shoes (but only some sizes)

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I know these demon shoes have a real name, but I will never not refer to them as “toe shoes.” Some sizes have already sold out, which makes me both sadder and angrier than anyone will ever know.


Gummygoods Nightlight - Blue

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$22.39 still seems like way more than is ethical to charge for a gummy bear nightlight.


ellen Shop Men’s Boxers

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Only 10% have been claimed. Hmmmm...


Minions movie

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Wait, the perfect Jon Hamm is a voice actor in this movie? FUCK

Note 1: Some of these items will be available for Prime Day later today and don’t yet reflect a “bargain” price. Rest assured, however, they are on the Prime Day list.

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Note 2: We will be updating this list throughout the day.

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Sophie is a former news editor at Gizmodo.

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DISCUSSION

How many times do we have to tell you? Stop buying these fucking coffee pods.

Maybe you’d be better off shutting the fuck up about the coffee pods and using that time for some quiet contemplation.

Such as: why do people use those coffee pods?

Because: They fuckin like to, I guess. They know what they cost. You pay for convenience. I think coffee is gross but I sure do like hitting a button to start my girlfriend’s coffee instead of dealing with her shitty day old grounds.

The point: Learn that people who don’t agree with you have their fucking reasons. Your inability to rationalize their decisions is your problem, not theirs.