Critters, a lo-fi creature feature from 1986, was built for two things: scares and laughs. And so, 40 years later, it’s not the film’s fault that, watching it back, I felt an entirely different emotion: embarrassment.
Not embarrassment for anyone in the film, mind you. As we’ll discuss, Critters might be kind of cheesy, but that’s what’s endearing about it. It’s also a love letter to cinema of the era, with nods to everything from Ghostbusters and Poltergeist to Halloween and Alien. No, my embarrassment stemmed from the fact that before rewatching the film this week, I would have listed it on a very short list of films that scared me as a child. And, having now seen it again, that is maybe the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever said.
Celebrating its 40th anniversary this year, Critters was co-written and directed by Stephen Herek, who’d immediately follow it with Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, and The Mighty Ducks. A truly incredible run, worthy of some note.
The film centers on a group of creatures who have been captured in space, but escape as they’re being transferred to a prison asteroid, and end up on Earth. There, they devour and terrify a small Kansas town. These creatures, referred to as Critters, are tiny, black balls of fur about the size of a basketball, which roll around and eat people with their mouths full of sharp teeth.
And while Critters does have this larger, cosmic mythology to kick it off, really, the movie mostly takes place in a few key, Earth-bound locations. The Critters land on a farm owned by the Browns, a mostly normal middle-class family. Jay, the dad (Billy Green Bush), just wants to get to his bowling tournament that evening. The mom, Helen (Dee Wallace), gets angry when her kids don’t eat breakfast. Then there’s the teenage daughter April (Nadine van der Velde) who is more interested in her boyfriend’s (Billy Zane) car than school, and the son Brad (Scott Grimes) who builds explosives for fun. They’re pretty relatable and stereotypical, until the Critters arrive.
What you first notice about Critters, after its ambitious opening, is that in a movie that’s under 90 minutes long, it takes about 30 minutes for the Critters to really start showing up. In that time, we learn a lot about the Brown family and their fellow Kansas townsfolk. Maybe too much, as some of the established characters don’t really have much to do outside of running around, getting scared, and maybe getting eaten. A sheriff played by M. Emmet Walsh is useless. His assistant, played by horror legend Lin Shaye, adds nothing. And while the film sets up a huge payoff for the lovable town weirdo, Charlie (Don Keith Opper), it never materializes.
Then, once the killings start, the film is basically divided in two. It’s the Critters versus the Browns, which results in some fun, horror action scenes, including several where Grimes’ Brad gets some great hero moments. And then there’s the story of two bounty hunters hired by the space prison who have arrived on Earth to find and destroy the Critters. This storyline, with alien creatures who now look like humans destroying things around town and causing general chaos, slows everything down. It’s kind of funny, and gives those townsfolk something to do, but mostly you just want to get back to the Critters.
Now, as I mentioned above, for some reason this movie really scared me as a kid. Something about the creatures themselves and their speed, adaptability, and appetite rubbed me the wrong way. I even had a visceral memory of a Critter going into a toilet, someone sitting down on that toilet, and the Critter biting that person in the butt. However, while a Critter does go into a toilet in this movie, the butt-biting does not happen. I must have been watching one of the multiple Critters sequels that came out later. Turns out, I was scared of the wrong movie.
Plus, even if that moment did happen, in retrospect, there is nothing scary about Critters. First, as I said, they aren’t in a huge chunk of the movie. Then, even when they are, they are used sparingly and are relatively easy to kill, especially with the Browns’ shotgun. They bite, maim, and cause havoc, but they’re not very scary. That’s not just me saying that in my 40s, either. I think a four-year-old might agree too.
What I did notice, though, was how in 1986 Critters plays like a greatest hits of popular sci-fi and horror of the era. The creatures themselves are basically just the Gremlins without a Gizmo. The Browns have a cat they have to keep safe throughout, like in Alien. The focus on family, and casting of Dee Wallace as the mom, bring E.T. to mind, and the Critters even eat an E.T. doll at one point. There are shades of Poltergeist with the house, POV shots that remind us of Halloween, and the dad’s bowling logo is a nod to Ghostbusters. You can see why this movie got made and why it did well enough to get sequels after. It’s clever and it works, even if it’s not very scary.
If anything, the film’s biggest issue is how open and vague it leaves the story it sets up at the beginning. Why were the Critters captured? What did they do? Where are they from? Surely, some of those questions are answered in the sequels, but I have yet to revisit those.
Basically, though, if you’re looking for a horror movie that is a few steps above gateway and has a decent amount of gore but not too many scares, Critters works. Just don’t let its memory traumatize you for the rest of your life, as some people did.
Critters is currently available to buy or rent on most digital platforms, and for free on Hoopla and Tubi.
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