Assclown Number 5: Ed Zander, Motorola CEO/Chairman and amateur juggler, 10 May 2007

How do they deal with us?

Click to viewYes, how would they deal with you now that Motorola is almost dead, Ed?


Assclown Number 4: John C. Dvorak, tech columnist and professional assclown at large, 28 March 2007

Apple should pull the plug on the iPhone… What Apple risks here is its reputation as a hot company that can do no wrong. If it's smart it will call the iPhone a ‘reference design' and pass it to some suckers to build with someone else's marketing budget. Then it can wash its hands of any marketplace failures… Otherwise I'd advise people to cover their eyes. You are not going to like what you'll see.


Click to viewWhat we don't like to see is you, John, getting into these bags of hurt all by yourself.

Assclown Number 3: Jon Rubinstein, Palm CEO and former Apple Vice President, iPod Division, September 27, 2005

Is there a toaster that also knows how to brew coffee? There is no such combined device, because it would not make anything better than an individual toaster or coffee machine. It works the same way with the iPod, the digital camera or mobile phone: it is important to have specialized devices.


Click to viewExactly like the Palm Pre, Jon, which is a smartphone and a cheese slicer. Also, there IS a combination coffee making toaster. Two mistakes, one quote!


Assclown Number 2: Steve Ballmer, Microsoft CEO and zoologist, 30 April 2007

There's no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance. It's a $500 subsidized item. They may make a lot of money. But if you actually take a look at the 1.3 billion phones that get sold, I'd prefer to have our software in 60% or 70% or 80% of them, than I would to have 2% or 3%, which is what Apple might get.

Click to viewRe-reading that must hurt. If you are Steve Ballmer.


Assclown Number 1: Ed Colligan, Ex-Palm CEO, Bono's pal, and stamp collector, 16 Nov 2006

We've learned and struggled for a few years here figuring out how to make a decent phone. PC guys are not going to just figure this out. They're not going to just walk in.

Click to viewApparently, Ed, they walked right in, stole your lunch, your dinner, your wife, your car, your horse, and all your pudding. And then they ate the pudding. And pooped it out.


Special Bonus Assclown: Anssi Vanjoki, Nokia's chief strategist and famed red herring tin can collector, 30 Nov 2009

The development of mobile phones will be similar in PCs. Even with the Mac, Apple has attracted much attention at first, but they have still remained a niche manufacturer. That will be in mobile phones as well.


Click to viewI have a hard time believing that Nokia's chief strategist—aka this guy—actually said that last month. Wake up, Anssi, and smell the coffee, because you are being smashed. [AAPLinvestors via Fortune]