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Vatican Buys Palm for $800 Million

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Click to viewROME (Agencies) - The Vatican has bought Palm Inc. in an $800-million cash, stock, and souls deal, a move that analysts are calling a bold bid to reconvert the Catholic Church into the number one mobile operator for communication with God. The purchase is the culmination of Pope Benedict XVI's new push into the mobile arena.


His Holiness is, apparently, satisfied with the purchase of the Sunnyvale, CA. smartphone manufacturer, and was looking forward to working with the current board of directors to expand Palm's user base as soon as possible. "With a potential market of 1.131 billion Catholics in the World and countless others up there, we are confident we can quickly expand the company's user base, leveraging their technology to offer new real-time confession services, virtual baptisms, and get more and more people in direct contact with God every day," Pope Benedict XVI declared to over 300 journalists, today in Rome. "Besides, we have to stop the Anti-Christ. Yes, you know who I'm talking about. The one with the black turtleneck and his false JesusPhone."

Asked about the role of Palm's next -generation operating system in their plans—which has hit delay after delay in recent years—His Holiness admitted that the development team was in a bit of a rut. "Yes, we are going to need a miracle to get it out of the door, but I'm confident we will be able to arrange something on that front," Pope Benedict XVI said while winking repeatedly at the press corps, making everyone a little bit uncomfortable.


For Palm, the deal with the Vatican may be their last chance in an increasingly competitive market: "being surrounded in the smartphone sector by heavyweights such as Apple and RIM, the Holy Church may be their only path to salvation... wait... hahahaha... see what I did? Path to salvation! Get it? Hrmm... never mind" declared Ryan Block, Editor-in-Chief of Engadget and rumored future CEO of Motorola. However, asked why the Head of the Church had finally decided on Palm instead of another handset manufacturer, Block added that it didn't make much sense. "Really, these people don't have a clue about what they are doing. Infallible? Heck, I think they may need a new CEO themselves," he said, just before walking out of the phone booth, grinning mysteriously, and, according to sources, muttering "Pope Block? Ryan Pope? Pope Ryan? I wonder what would look better on my business cards."

The final price represents just a $2 premium over Palm's current $5.80, although Securities and Exchange Commision representatives are now studying the value of the souls. "Given Wall Street's deficit in that department, they may represent a hidden value that needs to be taken into consideration," an SEC spokesperson declared, after his fifth drink in a Via Veniero café.

God was unavailable for comment.

NOTE: In case you are wondering, this is all fake—although Palm shareholders may be wishing the contrary. [PC WorldPicture courtesy of Andy J.]