There are plenty of lists about the “weirdest” Barbie dolls on the internet, but they only scratch the surface of the insane, sometimes terrifying world of the best-selling doll. Here are 20 totally real, official Barbies that prove she hasn’t just conquered girls toys, she may have literally conquered the universe.
1) The Birds Barbie
Let’s start with the obvious: the figure where Barbie is about to be murdered by birds. Birds who are included in the goddamn packaging. I know there have been many movie-inspired Barbies, especially in the collector world. But the Hunger Games Barbie didn’t come with Tracker Jackers seconds away from impaling her with poison stingers.
2) Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf Barbie
I’d be inclined to take Barbie to task for dressing up in her best knee-high fishnet stockings to visit her grandmother, but hey, it’s none of my business. She can dresses how she wants to. I can, however, wonder why she appears to be smuggling to medium-sized duffle bags in her hair, or if perhaps she has something more useful to bring her grandma than bread and magazines. But mostly I want to pointed out that Barbie apparently lives in a Dr. Moreau-inspired nightmare world of anthropomorphic animal people that want to eat and/or sexually assault human women.
3) Haunted Beauty Mistress of the Manor Barbie
BARBIE HAS LOST HER SHIT. For the record, I do recognize the idea of Barbie turning into a murderous spinster is kind of awesome, but let’s be clear: It’s awesome because it’s so disturbing. A few years later, she can be packed with a decrepit, cobweb-covered wedding cake and be Miss Havisham Barbie from Great Expectations.
4) Lounge Kitties Barbie
I know when I get done with a hard day of blogging spiteful bullshit in the internet, I like to log off my computer, put on my best leopard-printed bodysuit, cat ears and tail, and just lounge around for the rest of the evening. Still, I’ve been informed that other people think our loungewear is odd, and thus have been compelled to include it here.
5) Empress of the Aliens Barbie
Well, this actually makes a lot of sense, in retrospect. Why else would she be trying out so many human professions? Why the fascination with the entirety of human pop culture instead of just a few favorite areas like most people? She was doing research for her imminent alien invasion, that’s why.
6) Tooth Fairy Barbie
I don’t know about you, but I find the idea that Barbie spends her evenings breaking into children’s bedrooms to steal their teeth for some unknown, monstrous purpose incredibly fucking disturbing.
7) Together Forever Barbie and Ken as Romeo and Juliet
I’m a bit vague on how the Shakespeare play ends, but Romeo and Juliet end up together forever, right? That checks out.
8) Marie Antoinette Barbie
A.k.a. “The Proletariat Will Only Take So Much Shit Barbie.” I do appreciate the extra-long neck they gave her, which should make forcing her into a toy-sized guillotine a lot more convenient.
9) Goddess of the Galaxy Barbie
Holy shit. Is… is this Empress of the Aliens Barbie, having taken her rightful place as conqueror of the galaxy? Has she become an actual divinity now? Should we throw away out Judeo-Christian theology to worship Barbie, lest her infinite alien armada comes to destroy all life on the Earth? I’m thinking “yes.”
10) Elvis and Priscilla Barbie Gift Set
From the official description:
One of the greatest love stories of the 20th century, the romance between the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll and Priscilla is legendary.
Legendary because it began when Priscilla was 14 years old and Elvis was 24!
Priscilla Beaulieu captured Elvis Presley’s heart and he swept her off her feet!
He gave her pills and amphetamines on her first visit to see him!
On May 1, 1967, Las Vegas wedding bells rang for Elvis and Priscilla.
Only after Priscilla’s father threatened he would charge him with “taking a minor across state lines for sexual purposes” if he didn’t!
Dressed in a black paisley print tuxedo and black boots, the groom is ready to once again exchange rings with his beautiful bride.
Which he had to do, and was so miserable about he literally cried about it!
11) George Washington Barbie
Now you’re fucking grasping at straws, Barbie. Either cosplay as George Washington or wear something hideously pink; you don’t get to do both.
I suppose I should just be glad that there’s no Abraham Lincoln Barbie with beard and a giant pink top hat on.
12) Coca-Cola Cheerleader Barbie
Does… does the Coca-Cola corporation have a paid team of cheerleaders on staff? They surely don’t play any sporting events, so they just hang around the boardrooms and wait for the executives to make fiscally responsible decisions? Or are they prostitutes paid to dress up like cheerleaders for upper management? I’m genuinely worried it’s the latter.
13) Mad Men Betty Draper Barbie
As a reminder, there is a Barbie of this fictional character:
This is 100% awesome, but it is also very, very strange.
14) Pop Icon Barbie
I can’t even imagine the hubris it would require to custom-order a designer dress with your face on it. Like, who else would do that? Madonna maybe? Lady Gaga? Bono, probably, for sure. But all of those people are musicians desperate to look edgy, while Barbie presumably just really fucking loves herself.
15) Shoe Obsession Barbie
To be fair, “Shoe Obsession Barbie” is somewhat more appealing than “Shoe Compulsion Barbie,” “Shoe Hoarder Barbie,” and “Desperately in Debt Because of a Very Real Psychological Issue Barbie.”
16) Barbie As Medusa
Barbie is really committed to her message that little girls can grow up to be anything! A stewardess! The President! Or even a nightmarish serpent-witch whose very gaze turns the unwary into stone for all eternity!
17) Rendevous Barbie
Uh, “Maybe Someone Should Check to See If Barbie Had a Stroke Barbie.” What in god’s name is she wearing? It’s like she was possessed by the spirit of my 1988 Trapper Keeper. And speaking of spirits…
18) Haunted Beauty Ghost Barbie
HOLY SHIT SOMEONE MURDERED BARBIE AND NOW SHE’S TRAPPED BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH UNABLE TO MOVE ON TO THE AFTERLIFE. Hey, that explains why there are so many dolls of Barbie as an angel! It’s after she enacts her horrible vengeance on the living and finally finds peace!
19) Jude Deveraux’s The Raider Barbie and Ken
Ha ha, it’s a doll of Fabio (or a Fauxbio, I can’t be bothered to check) and someone cleavage-bearing woman from the cover of some popular harlequin romance book! That’s kinda wacky! But is it really disturbing? Hmm, let me quickly check the book and see...
He kissed her again. “You have a choice. We make love tonight on the soft cool sand or I rape you tonight on the sharp rocks.”
IN IT GOES.
20) Barbie Is Eternal Barbie
HOLY SHIT BARBIE WE GET THE PICTURE YOU ARE OUR GOD NOW ARE WE SHALL WORSHIP NO OTHERS ABOVE YOU
All images from the amazing BarbieCollector.com.