A Very Special Witches of East End: Don't Make Supercocaine With Magic

That's evil 70s Dash, snorting the magically fortified cocaine he sells. With epic facial hair. What more do you need? Whatever it is, this episode has it.


I'm basically just Stefon from Saturday Night Live right now. "This episode of Witches of East End had everything: girls kissing, casual murder, potions as allegorical drugs, actual drugs, disco, pornstaches, a mandragora."

"What's a mandragora?"

"It's like when a Na'vi from Avatar eats sex as food and has tentacles packed with a poison that causes crazy."

Yep. It was that kind of night.

Spoilers now. . .

Well, okay, Witches of East End, I forgive everything. Even the fact that this episode basically plays as a compilation of last season's greatest hits. Even the fact that Wendy and her hot EMT guy still haven't had any resolution to their plot. Because "Boogie Knights" was BANANAS. From the second we opened in a 70s disco, I was IN. Technically, we started with Joanna. But minutes later Freya, Dash, and Killian were re-enacting Saturday Night Fever, and who cares that a major character died last week?


Freya's plot this week is a retread of Ingrid's magic brownie time trip last season. Basically, now that neither Killian nor Dash is interested in her anymore, she's spent the past few days accessing her past lives. By super-charging the magic drug that Ingrid made last year. Magically increasing the power of drugs is, we will learn, kind of Freya's thing.


She spends the whole episode basically addicted to reliving her 70s life, where she's a combination drug maker/drug user with Dash and his pornstache being her dealer/boyfriend.

Illustration for article titled A Very Special Witches of East End: Don't Make Supercocaine With Magic

I wanted to make this a macro, but I'm laughing too hard to come up with words.

And of course, of course, Freya's torn between Dash and Killian's previous lives. (Side note: I thought that living over and over and dying young was Freya and Ingrid's curse. But Dash and Killian seem to be living multiple lives, too. And, unlike the girls, their names change.) Apparently, Freya's relived this love triangle in every life she's gone and visited, and every time Dash fucks it up for her.


In the 70s, Freya's job was to magically super-charge cocaine (see? I told you it was her thing) so Dash could sell it at a premium.

Illustration for article titled A Very Special Witches of East End: Don't Make Supercocaine With Magic

But Killian tells her she shouldn't use her gifts like that, and she decides to leave. In case you wondered if Dash has always had a magic rage problem, the answer is yes, since he launches Freya across the room.

Also amazing? When 70s Freya visits her mother and says, "I found a man. And I love him. But it's real this time!" Joanna is rightfully doubtful about Freya's bullshit. You're the worst Freya. I'm glad 70s Dash shot Killian before you two could flee to California.


Freya interprets this as a sign that she should just back off from the boys for a while, since it never ends well. This is a great choice. But she's all "I'm glad you and Eva are happy together" exactly as we see Eva put something into a drink for Killian. Because there's no way she and Killian make it to the end of this season.


Last season, Joanna had to get a past lover to come help her with Freya unknowingly falling prey to a villain. This season, Joanna had to get a past lover to come help her with Ingrid unknowingly falling prey to a villain. And, this time, the lover isn't Victor but Alex, played by Michelle Hurd. Who is awesome.

Illustration for article titled A Very Special Witches of East End: Don't Make Supercocaine With Magic

Unfortunately the character has a nasty case of the clanging foreshadows:

  • "Mandragoras feed off of mates that are tied to them forever." CLANG
  • "Mates aren't innocent bystanders, they're collateral damage." CLANG
  • "The Mandragora's tentacles inject a neurotoxin that is not only very painful but also induces psychosis and eventually death." CLANG CLANG CLANG

There was no way someone wasn't getting a good dose of that once they told us about it. This is without the character's powers as a seer factored in, by the way. Once you add those, Alex is a walking plot outline.

This plot also saw the return of Wendy's amazing quips:

On why Alex doesn't like Ingrid: "Oh, did you sleep with her husband? Because in my experience, chicks don't like that."


On the Mandragora's feeding: "Wait, it feeds by having sex? Oh man, I wish I could do that."

Dash and Ingrid

My new favorite power couple continues going strong this week. In keeping with tonight's theme of "recycling season 1," Dash has Ingrid's "resurrected someone and is paying the price" plot from last season. He resurrects a child patient of his, who died of cancer, and ends up taking the disease into himself. This is a marked improvement over Ingrid saving Wendy, who had extra lives, and dooming the random guy she'd loved for literally seconds.


Recycling this plot is actually perfect, because Ingrid knows how wrong using magic to resurrect someone can go, and literally says "Oh shit" when she finds out. She tells Dash to put the disease back into the child, but he runs into a grateful mother and can't. Luckily, a convenient robber and cop killer is wheeled in and Dash cancers that dude to death.

Meanwhile, Dash can't find any medical reason for Ingrid's missing time, so she asks him to watch her sleep. Keeping Ingrid from the Mandragora does not go well for him.


There is nothing about this I don't love. And that's not even the worst thing that happens to him:

Illustration for article titled A Very Special Witches of East End: Don't Make Supercocaine With Magic

That clanging foreshadowing of what happens when a Mandragora tentacles a person? Dash is the victim. Being tentacled in the ear and going (even more) insane is going to suck for him.

Congratulations, Witches of East End. You've reached levels WTF enjoyment even I did not think you had in you. You are the magically super-charged cocaine to my Freya.



Shiny Chrome Witnessedbot

I have questions:

1) If you're going to run away from your club-owning, drug-dealing boyfriend whom you have admitted is dangerous, why are you meeting your new lover AT HIS CLUB? And being extremely obvious about the fact?

2) Who thinks the only way to save Ingrid and Dash now is for them to bone? Or, at the very least, somehow this shared tentacluar experience will lead to them boning. Because they have so much in common now what with the murder cover-ups and stuff.