Amazon: Here's $5,000 Worth of Crap to Turn Your New Home Into a Hellscape

Photo: David Ryder (Getty)

You know what none of us needs more of in our homes? Amazon products. And yet that’s exactly what’s promised to prospective homebuyers should they decide to purchase through its new TurnKey service. The company will reportedly gift thousands of dollars in products and services to tempt homebuyers to transform their homes into Amazon-surveilled hellscapes. What’s to lose?!

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The new program is offered through a partnership between Amazon and Realogy Holdings Corp., a realty giant that owns brands such as Coldwell Banker, ERA, Better Homes and Gardens Real Estate, Sotheby’s International Realty, and Century 21. According to its website, TurnKey will pair prospective buyers with real estate agents who will help them find homes in over a dozen major metropolitan areas across the United States.

Depending on how much they cough up, buyers can cash in-on between $1,000 to $5,000 in services and products. Here’s how this breaks down by spend:

  • $150,000-$399,000: A $450 credit toward Amazon Home services like unpacking, cleaning, and furniture assembly, plus: an Echo Dot, an Echo Show, and a Ring Doorbell
  • $400,000-$699,000: A $1,000 credit toward Amazon Home services, plus: aforementioned products as well as a Sonos Beam and an eero WiFi
  • $700,000 and up: A $1,500 credit toward Amazon Home services plus: 14 Amazon products and 12 Kasa Lightbulbs

Is it worth spending any amount of money to get a couple thousand bucks’ worth of free Amazon products to suck up information about you in your most personal spaces? Nope!

Ryan Schneider, Realogy’s chief executive, said in a statement per the New York Times that homebuyers “want the stress release of getting someone to clean the house or getting someone to put the furniture together.” But I’d argue instead that this can absolutely be done without having to pour more money into Amazon’s extremely bloated pockets than you probably already do, and in fact, probably should be—particularly if you value your privacy, as history has demonstrated time, and time, and time again.

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An Amazon spokesperson did not immediately return a request for comment about the TurnKey Program, but we’ll update this post if we hear back. In the meantime, it’s probably as good a time as ever to bump a reminder that a juiced-up smart house does not a private or even mildly enjoyable experience make.

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