A man buying coffee has a bad case of the dizzies, which honestly happens to me fairly regularly before I consume caffeine in the morning. But if you think he just needs his cup of morning java then hoo boy have you got the wrong show. This is CSI-Fucking:Cyber and we are about to witness some INTERNET CRIME.

Dizzy man wanders into the street. “Get out of the street, man!” someone yells helpfully, because the motley, potentially drunk writers of CSI:Cyber have never seen a plot point they could tell instead of show. Immediately, a truck plows into our poor dazed dude, killing him.

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Not sure what the hell the speed limit is supposed to be or why the truck driver didn’t notice a guy standing in the middle of the street in broad daylight, but ok. Dizzy man is dead! And an ominously generic bottle of pills fall out of his pocket.

I don’t even know if I need to tell you that pills came from the internet, but the pills came from the internet. They were purchased after clicking an ad on ScrollMD.com, the CSI:Cyber alternate universe version of WebMD. This seems like it should be a clear-cut case of vehicular manslaughter, since the truck didn’t even bother slowing down a tiny bit before plowing into a dude standing in the middle of the street. Yet our gang, led by Special Agent Avery Ryan (played, as always, by Oscar Winner™ Patricia Arquette) is on it.

The FDA enlists the cyber troops because they think an Evil Internet Pharmacy lured our corpse to buy bunk heart medication pills with fraudulent ads. “Sounds like a clickbait scheme,” Avery offers, standing over a weird 3D image of the man’s corpse.

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wtf is this an episode of Bones

It really still sounds like it was primarily vehicular manslaughter, but hey, I’m not a judge.

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Krummy and Nelson pinpoint where the shipment of bad drugs come from while awkwardly discussing Nelson’s dick rash, which is never explained but now I’m concerned about his genital skin health. Then Avery and Mundo go to confront the guy who shipped the fake pills. Mundo ordinarily could not have a harder boner for arresting people, but they find a desperate cancer patient. This harshes the vindictive vibe considerably. Sad Cancer Man attempts suicide on the spot when they inform him he’s accidentally killed someone. He goes away in an ambulance, and it is a bummer, and we never hear from him again.

They go after the guy doing the actual selling, looking at security camera footage at the site he made dead drops to Sad Cancer Man. Only our villain uses an IR LED, which makes license plates unreadable. Mundo is sooo mad about anti-surveillance technologies! But then he realizes that the target was driving an SUV equipped with Bluetooth, which means a Department of Transportation monitoring system that “keeps a record of every Bluetooth device it pairs with” would’ve picked up his signal.

The only problem is that the DoT only keeps the records for 20 minutes, Mundo says, staring off into the distance and probably dreaming about fucking a panopticon. “You really believe that?” Avery chortles. At CSI: Cyber we laugh in the face of limiting dragnet data collection!

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They find out who the guy is in about a minute using the apparently still-top-secret Department of Transportation mass surveillance system (which, I hope that’s something this show made up?????) and decide to sic a SWAT team on him. Avery and Mundo stand with guns raised as the team swarms the building.

why

Even for CSI:Cyber this seems like insane overkill to target a suspected drug trafficker who is not known to be violent or to have committed any violent crimes.

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The SWAT team busts the drug lab and Avery and Mundo confront our guy, who turns out to just be a chemist, something Avery figures out essentially through sorcery. (“You’re no cybercriminal,” she purrs.) The ringleader is still out there.

The team discovers that the chemist and the ringleader used an online poker game to communicate and launder money, and attempt to bait the ringleader by buying $250,000 in bad prescription meds to get him to log into the poker site to launder it. He does this literally immediately after getting the money, which seems like an odd move. Then there’s an interminable scene where he plays poker against himself that the show decides to illustrate with creepy graphics of men playing poker.

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i will come for you in the night

Our poker lovin’ criminal mastermind almost gets away with it, but then Nelson comes up with some improvised nonsense plan about tracing it back to his bank account and Avery actually says this:

“Infect the firewall with a virus!”

Krummy types really quickly and, I guess, infects the firewall with the virus. Which firewall? Which virus? WHO CARES, it works!

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They make a lot of hay about how ScrollMD got ensconced in this clickbaiting scheme of phony ads, but...are the ads on hypochondriac porn websites like WebMD held up to any standard of legitimacy?

Oh, I haven’t even mentioned that all fucking Sifter does this episode is look befuddled and try to help his buddy at ScrollMD downplay the negative media reaction to his site’s shitty malware-nurturing security. His “big win” of the episode is getting the website to issue a half-assed warning, which is neither truly helpful nor HIS JOB.

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failure

I’m beginning to suspect Sifter is some sort of advanced-level critique of federal agencies’ good ole boys networks that the writers have slyly slipped into the show.

Cheeselights:

  • Shad Moss Vest Watch:

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  • Wait, did anyone else notice that they got rid off the cute hacker girl who never did anything, and replaced her with a cast of random extras? Who are these people?
  • Inane Graphic of the Week:

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