Every Positive Headphone Review Ever

Illustration for article titled Every Positive Headphone Review Ever

It seems everywhere you look there's a new pair of headphones: either named after a celebrity or celebrating the venerable heritage of an audiophile marque you and your friends all pretend to have heard of. The TK*headphones by TK Celeb-Slash-Established-Audio-Firm are different because of TK inane difference that doesn't really matter to you at all. But you will pretend it does, because you are trying to justify spending $200 on headphones.


The first thing you will notice about the TKheadphones is their "sonic signature." It's shoved in your face so many different ways—slogans, logos, creation myths, line-supplied celebrity endorsers, switches that activate cleverly named functions, glowing lights and so on—that you will absolutely notice it, no matter what you're listening to. You'll hear it everywhere. You'll hear it when you're asleep. You'll notice that your toaster chime has that same sonic signature and start spouting manic gibberish about how it's "surprisingly bottom-heavy for such a small driver."


How do they sound? Great. How great? Really great. What does that mean? Not a whole lot. They, along with every other headphone on the planet, claim a frequency response of 20hz to 20kHz: from beyond the range of human hearing to beyond the range of human hearing. Is every headphone that claims this range actually able to produce it? Certainly not. Does it even matter? Certainly not. Why? Because that figure doesn't define sound quality, and you can't tell the difference anyway; all you hear is Dr. Dre perched on your shoulder telling you to Like his facebook page.

Blah blah blah blah thumping bass. Punchy midrange. Crystal clear highs. Warm sound. Some shit about female vocals.


Crafted out of aircraft aluminum/shiny plastic with carbon-fiber/soft-touch plastic accents, the TKheadphones by TK Celeb-Slash-Established-Audio-Firm are like nothing/everything you've ever seen before. Something glows. The soft leather of the ear pads makes an excellent seal with your face because it's soft leather and that is what soft leather does. If you wear the TKheadphones for an extended listening sesh, your ears will get sweaty because the ear pads are soft leather and that is also what soft leather does. Their shape is perfect/a little too small/too large for my ears, but YMMV.

Illustration for article titled Every Positive Headphone Review Ever

The cord, which comes out of one/both earcups is better/worse than headphones with different arrangements, because this is entirely subjective as well. Unless you are actually a DJ, in which case the single cord is the way to go because you have to dance-hold the cans to one ear to monitor your mix while listening to what's actually playing with the other. (Respect.) But you are not a DJ, and neither these headphones nor that unused set of turntables you set up two years ago in the basement/corner will ever make you a DJ. But it's OK to keep on the lookout for cool and unusual vinyl because that is a legit fun weekend activity and seriously actually might get you laid. Especially if you are wearing a set of TKheadphones by TK Celeb-Slash-Established-Audio-Firm.


The Noncommittal Recommendation Section

Should you buy the TKheadphones by TK Celeb-Slash-Established-Audio-Firm? Absolutely/Maybe. They are certainly better than whatever came with your current music player, but are also expensive. And you don't listen to good quality music anyway/can't tell the difference.


But that said, the experience of using these headphones is far superior. Because the company that created them and poured millions** into the design and engineering and marketing*** gave at least half a shit about quality and customer experience—instead of just choosing the cheapest design out of a lookbook in a Chinese factory. But don't take it from me; you made up your mind based on aesthetics before you even read this review anyway, and only an outright panning would have changed that. And that's OK. In fact, that's awesome/perfect/go you.


TKheadphones by TK Celeb-Slash-Established-Audio-Firm
Price: $199
Frequency Response: 20Hz to 20,000Hz
Gizrank: 4 Stars

*TK is a longstanding writing/journalism convention: a placeholder inserted into copy indicating that a more specific/better bit of language is needed or on its way. It stands for "to come." [sic]
**OK, maybe, not millions.
***OK, yeah, definitely millions here.


Image: Shutterstock/Ilya Akinshin



I've always found that the more I spend on sunglasses or headphones, the faster I lose them. Anyone else?