Imagine a world where pizza didn’t come from the pizza store. Imagine if you could pop down into your spacious kitchen, toss some toppings on dough, and throw it all into your very own internet-connected pizza oven. This future is finally possible—but it’s expensive.
GE’s new Monogram Pizza Oven promises “professional-style pizzas any time.” It can cook a pizza in just two minutes and fits into a standard wall oven cavity, despite packing a uniquely sophisticated ventilation system. This is a big deal because most outdoor pizza ovens for consumers are huge, and the indoor options tend to suck. The new Monogram Pizza Oven even works with a smartphone app, somehow. Oh, and it also costs $10,000.
I want it. I don’t care that the kitchen in my tiny Brooklyn apartment is already too small for a regular oven. I’ll build a special place for it in my bedroom, so that I can be closer to pizza at all times. I don’t care that the 30-minute preheat sort of negates the whole pizza-on-demand selling point. I’ll just use that smartphone app to turn the oven on while I sleep so that I can just toss in the pie when my alarm goes off and be eating pizza before my morning coffee. I don’t care if it costs more than a used mobile home in good condition. I need it.
This pizza oven is the America I was always promised, brimming with excess, feigned convenience, and limitless calories. It’s the white picket fence of my smartphone-toting existence, the Model T of my generation. It’s a pizza oven for the everyman, the unaffordable luxury we must all lust after. It’s old world flavor for our new world existence. This pizza oven is the reason credit cards were invented.
The Monogram Pizza Oven will go on sale in May of this year. It costs $10,000.