Optimus Prime Wants You to Go the Hell to Sleep

So listen to the Autobot leader narrate the Transformers civil war in Calm's soothing new "sleep story."

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A hunched-over Optimus Prime frantically tries to work his spaceship's controls.
Screenshot: Hasbro

You can now have Optimus Prime read you a bedtime story. This is not a sentence I expected to write today, and yet, it is now an inescapable fact that you can go to bed listening to the dulcet tones of the leader of the Autobots... as he describes the horrible wars that enveloped his home planet Cybertron before coming to Earth. Sweet dreams!

To clarify, you’ll need to have access to the immensely popular meditation/relaxation/sleep assistance app Calm to hear Optimus narrate a “Sleep Story,” which the company describes as being “soothing tales that mix music, sound fx, and incredible voice talent to help you drift into dreamland.” The story is titled “History of the Transformers,” which doesn’t seem like a tale that would be easy to drift off to given that the vast majority of it has to do with the endless wars between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

That said, Optimus, as per the classic cartoons and modern live-action movies, is played by Peter Cullen, whose deep, low, soothing voice seems absolutely tailor-made to lull just about anyone to sleep, no matter what he was reading. You can get a too-brief 30-second preview of the Sleep Story over at Calm, and hear for yourself.

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The press release adds, “This never-before-heard Transformers story tells the history of the Autobots and Decepticons, taking listeners deeper into the More-Than-Meets-the-Eye themes of the iconic franchise, exploring bravery, leadership, friendship, and STEM.” I’m very curious about how much importance will be placed on science, technology, engineering, and mathematics in the recording, given that 1) virtually all of the STEM in Transformers is made up, and 2) I don’t know much you’re going to learn about these sciences while you are literally falling asleep. There’s not a chance in hell that any fact I heard would remain in my mind come daybreak, no matter what robot told it to me

“History of the Transformers” is available now in the Calm app in the “Kids” and “Sleep” sections. If we’re lucky, the next release will be terrorist leader Cobra Commander reading a bedtime story about the time he created an entire game show just to make G.I. Joe feel dumb.

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[Correction: The article has been updated to confirm there is no specific Calm Kids app, just Calm.]


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