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Pandora's New Workout Stations Will Pump You the Hell Up

Illustration for article titled Pandoras New Workout Stations Will Pump You the Hell Up

Yeah! Thursday! Burn your calves! The weather is shitty outside! But I've got 12 stations of ass-maneuvering, tummy-crunching, algorithmically determined jams! Pandora's suite of exercise tunes almost makes me want to exercise—I'm sort of exercising in my chair!

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The dozen stations cover a multitude of different sweat scenarios. 80's Cardio is great for flailing your arms in the air, touching your toes, and smiling a lot. Electronic Cardio makes me feel like I'm inside Tron, and also running inside Tron—and healthier because of it. Classic Rock Power Workout is great if you're lifting giant blocks of concrete or triumphantly jogging up a hill. There's even soothing yoga music! With all the time you'll save from having to cobble together a playlist, you can spend more time making yourself healthier and more beautiful. And listening to ads!

Many of these stations would also make decent backdrops for sex. Particularly Electronic Cardio. Ungg tss ungg tss ungg tss ungg tss. [Pandora]

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Photo: Andresr/Shutterstock

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DISCUSSION

That's pretty cool. I wonder if my gym uses these. I noticed that they use pandora, and the type of station depends on who's manning the front desk. Either way, I wish that the "crappy pop music" station would fucking die.

That fuggin station and the girl who chooses it is why I always bring headphones.