Future, Cupertino — After a long and fruitful tenure as CEO, Steve Jobs steps down in early 2009 to fanfare and industry fawning. Apple needs a new leader. It's time to choose your own adventure.
Now having controlling interest in the company, Microsoft uses their new found leverage to somehow buy Yahoo and Google, forming a gigantic web/tech/electronics corporation known as NAMBLA. You fade into obscurity as a footnote in the annals of history.
No amount of silhouetted dancing cock ads can save you from this public relations disaster. What were you thinking?
You stumble onto the shaman’s mystical chamber. “What are you doing here, kid!”, exclaims the Shaman. You tense up. Words start forming, but your throat closes around them. The Shaman casts a spell. Your legs don’t work. A bright blast of blue light blinds you and knocks you to the floor. Your legs still don’t…
You’ve been waiting for this moment all your life. You are Jon Ive, whose design aesthetic has influenced countless companies and countless industries the world over. And now you are CEO of Apple. Stocks tank.
You’ve been waiting for this moment all your life. You are Phil Schiller, whose salesmanship can put as good a spin on any Apple product released as Steve jobs can. Stocks tank.
You’ve been waiting for this moment all your life. You are Tim Cook, who as COO, actually runs the company and knows what’s going on in each department better than everyone else. You know design, you know software, you know everything Steve Jobs knows. Stocks tank.
You’ve been waiting for this moment all of three months. You are Bill Gates, and you are very happy to take the job because the word “philanthropy” didn’t mean what you thought it meant. Stocks tank despite the fact that you bought all the shares yourself.
You’ve been waiting for this moment all your life, but unfortunately you’re as unsuited for this position as anybody who’s ever lived.
With the financial and technological backing of Apple at your side, you decide to devote only 10% of your attention to running the company and 90% of your attention to becoming Batman.
Operation “sneak into Microsoft and steal stuff” goes well until your curiosity gets the better of you and you just HAVE to see what Steve Ballmer’s office looks like. Big mistake. The ogre is unleashed.
Ballmer chases you down a hall. You...
Apple engineers stumble upon the secret to time travel while researching ways to make iPhones have a coefficient of friction less than 0.02 in order to increase sales of iPhone cases. You have the option of going back in time only once before the time travel device gets too scratched up and fingerprinted to function.…
You are not the dominant gorilla. Despite getting hit with a cheap shot to his neck, Steve Ballmer takes you down with a basic wrestling move. Noogies and wedgies ensue for what seem like hours.
After an initial outcry on blogs and local newspapers, the outrage fades as you continue to revamp your product lines every few months. Occasionally, random wackjobs bring up the subject with a, “you guys do remember that this was the company that poisoned us, right?”
You decide to bring back the Macworld keynote for the year 2010, despite having previously backed out of it. You end up giving a slightly above average presentation, only stumbling twice due to technical difficulties: once with yet another Flickr integration demo, and once when Steve Jobs booed you from the audience.
The public eats it up. You’re hailed as the next Steve Jobs. Everybody loves you…except the real Steve Jobs. He invites you over to his house to congratulate you on your newfound success. To your chagrin, he rigged a pit in his driveway.
Surprisingly enough, everyone is happy buying incremental upgrades of your older products, and as a benefit of the economy recovering and the Christmas season, your stuff sells just as well as if you had released something new. Kudos to you sir.
Your Reality Distortion Field works better than you expected. Not only are the muggers incapacitated, they drool enthusiastically and whisper amongst themselves about your upcoming products. You slink away into the night.
You stand unblinking, knife dripping with blood, above a dead 15-year-old Hitler. You have done what so many before you couldn’t (including Tom Cruise, whose recent movie was an autobiographical account of his own attempt).
Months pass without any major incident. You release updates such as the iPhone 3G, with 128GB of flash memory, front-facing camera, iChat support, cut & paste, but shorter battery life. Some people like it, some people don’t. It’s the usual.