James Tiberius Kirk: lover, explorer, chanteur, a veritable 23rd-century bon vivant. Captain Kirk has many fine traits, but his martial prowess is perhaps most deserving of our fear and respect. Here are 10 fighting maneuvers that should be enshrined by Starfleet as “The Decalogue of Whooping Ass.”
10.) The Slap-Chop
As Seen In: “Where No Man Has Gone Before”
When it’s time for Kirk to take down his psionically possessed friend Gary Mitchell, Kirk initially gives no quarter. He dazzles his erstwhile comrade with a maneuver that is both a judo chop and a cheek chafer (at 0:51) but our hero falters on the rock smash.
9.) The Airborne Meat Masher
As Seen In: “Spectre of the Gun”
When it comes to beating up illusionary facsimiles of the Earp brothers and Doc Holliday, know that their most glaring weakness is a susceptibility to combination drop kicks/sledgehammer fists.
8.) The Rolling Sweep
As Seen In: “The Apple”
1.) Assume the fetal position.
2.) Roll gently in the general direction of your foe.
3.) Annihilate.
7.) The Raging Mountaineer
As Seen In: “Shore Leave”
When the Enterprise crew begins tripping balls on a strange planet, Kirk is suddenly confronted with his old Academy rival Finnegan. During the ensuing fight, Kirk throws his nemesis off of a mountain. The fight stops going in Kirk’s favor when he runs out of mountain.
6.) The Evasive Tabletop
As Seen In: “The Cloud Minders”
When Kirk and Spock visit the planet Ardana, they quickly run afoul of a gang of angry miners. While Spock’s technique is chillingly methodical, Kirk battles his foes with an array of bear hugs and dodges, as epitomized by the killer countermeasure at 0:14.
5.) Pillow Blindness
As Seen In: “Wink of an Eye”
Kirk’s fought in gladiator games, dueled his friends, and even avenged the death of Abraham Lincoln. But don’t give him a pillow, or your retinas will be a-hurting (at 2:30).
4.) The Scissor Choke
As Seen In: “Space Seed”
Kirk is on his A-game when he squares off against Khan Noonien Singh. The combos here are kinetic magic: hammer punches, leaping lumberjack kicks, and, of course, old “legs around the neck” trick.
3.) The Andorian Body Slam
As Seen In: “Journey to Babel”
In this episode, the Orion spy Thelev — disguised as the the Andorian delegate to the Babel Conference — makes the mistake of stabbing Kirk. He immediately regrets this decision as Kirk schools in him in the sacred art of running up walls and becoming a one-human trebuchet. Also note the authoritative hammer punch.
2.) The Two-Legged Torpedo
As Seen In: “Tomorrow Is Yesterday”
Of course, Kirk doesn’t need a wall to become a living weapon. Here, he launches his body into a chorus line of foes. Who needs fisticuffs when you have torsocuffs?
1.) Slow-Motion Destruction
As Seen In: “Arena”
When your foe moves like a three-toed sloth backstroking through a river of salted caramel, you can draw out your movements such that your blows deliver maximum force. This means leisurely hammer punches, torpid ear smashes, and a front kick you can schedule on your day planner.
Hat tip to CaptainKayla1’s YouTube.
