Everybody loves teenage heroes. Grown-ups
and teens alike snarf young-adult novels. Katniss is owning the cineplex. But
which kind of teen protagonist offers the most escapist bang for your buck? Here’s
our survey of the 10 types of teen hero, ranked by pure wish-fulfillment.
https://gizmodo.com/how-does-your-hero-measure-up-on-our-wish-fulfillment-c-5028956
#10: The Tool of the Man
Upsides: You get to feel guilty about all the terrible things you
did for the Man.
You’re badass and clever, or the Man wouldn’t have any use for you.
Downsides: You don’t really get to be a cool rebel, until after
you’ve already been a tool. Probably no romance for you.
#9: The Cute Sidekick
Upsides: You get to hang out with superheroes, time travelers, or
space explorers. Maybe they let you steer the ship. You can have the occasional
solo adventure.
Downsides: You’re just a distraction from the real hero or heroes. You’re
probably not going to last. You get blown up by Cybermen or the Joker. Your
“rebellious” phase involves being a jerk to the hero everyone likes.
#8: The Footloose
Adventurer
Upsides: You get to stow away aboard spaceships or run away to the
secret magic town. You go new places and meet cool people. You’re probably
really resourceful and good at talking your way into and out of stuff.
Downsides: High likelihood of getting killed off at the end of your
story. You probably explore social issues. Your relentless optimism probably
turns a lot of people off.
#7: The Young Detective,
Spy, Inventor, Etc.
Upsides: You come up with
lots of cool shit, and carry awesome gadgets. You might have a perky sidekick. Adults
don’t get away with things because of your meddling. You get to drive before
the legal age.
Downsides: You’re just a juvenile version of whatever adult genre
you belong to, and you’re always going to be constrained by that genre’s limits.
Plus you’re a spy who can’t get laid or kill anyone, or a detective who can’t drink
cheap whiskey.
#6: The Disney Princess
Upsides: Amazing dresses. You get to sing earwormy songs, and
everybody stops what they’re doing to listen. Your tchotchkes are probably
alive, and friendly. You probably have a cool romance, plus these days you
drive the story.
Downsides: You can’t really get your hands dirty and still be a
Princess. You’re going to have to rule a kingdom someday, and sort out people’s
disputes over cattle and pesticides and intellectual property and stuff.
#5:Teenage Witch, Teen Wolf, Teen Vampire, etc.
Upsides: Nobody understands you. You have awesome abilities, which
let you skip school and blow shit up in the woods. Your hair always looks to
die for. Your sex life is robust.
Downsides: Your abilities cause more problems than they solve, and
not just in a cool angst-inducing way. People tend to die around you. If you’re
a werewolf, there’s some crappy alpha screwing with you. If you’re a vampire,
everybody thinks you’re a blood whore. Supernatural politics are worse than
regular politics.
#4: The Misfit Outcast
Upsides: You’re a total individual. If there’s some kind of system
of categorization that everybody has to fit into, you don’t fit. Everybody probably
hates you, which is cool in an angsty way. You might have some cool scars or
other distinctive marks.
Downsides: You may have to keep lots of secrets, and that gets old.
You’re still defined by the system, even if it rejects you.
#3: The Hinge in the
Paranormal Love Triangle
Upsides: Approximately two supernatural hotties want you. There is
smoldering. You’ll probably end up becoming supernatural yourself, one way or
the other. You get to feel popular and important, even if ordinary people don’t
understand you (bonus!). You’re like a misfit outcast whom everybody wants to marry.
Downsides: You don’t necessarily get much agency besides choosing
between Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. You’re stuck in a world where everybody
thinks you’re weak because you’re human. There’s probably no sex, or at least
not enough sex.
#2: The Rebel
Upsides: You’re the only one standing against a dystopian,
post-apocalyptic regime. You probably know the truth, while everyone else is
deluded. You have people who would die for you, and a lot of them actually do. You
probably get the love triangle and you get to kill things.
Downsides: You get dragged into politics. Dystopias are kind of a bummer
after a while. People around you don’t just die, which would be awesome — they
also get messed up, emotionally and physically, and you have to live with them
afterwards. Nobody is whom they seem, and not in a sexy masquerade-y way.
#1: The Chosen
Savior
Upsides: You don’t
even have to do anything — someone decided you were awesome before you were
born. You face ultimate evil, and probably win. Everybody looks up to you, even
when you capslock out on them. You get cool training, and a mentor who dies for
you. You face your own darkness and master it, which is kind of bitchin.
Downsides: You’ll
probably end up almost committing incest. Prophecy and/or destiny means you
have to jump through hoops like a dolphin at the aquarium. Nobody really likes
you, they just need you to fix things. You’re basically a heroic plumber.
