No vampire could be as terrifying as the worst merchandise tying in with the Twilight phenomenon. To help you collect holiday gag gifts that will horrify your friends, we've gathered the craziest and most ridiculous Twi-crap in existence.
Edward Reminds You To "Be Safe" In Bed
Get a shadowy Edward Silhouette wall decal to stand guard over your bed and remind you all that you shouldn't have sex until you're married and it kills you — or ride dirt bikes. It's $60, but think of it this way: it's an investment in your sex life. Contraceptives are expensive, but this wall decal will keep everyone out of your bedroom for years.
Share The Dream Together Sheets
Surround yourself with vampire love, hearts, and shame. Available at ebay.
Go Green With Twilight
Now you can be sparkly and Green. Team Jacob And Team Edward water bottles, sold at a fast food joint. Hypocrisy, thy name is Edward!
Smell Like Your Favorite New Moon Character
Vampire and Werewolf body lotions, soaps and oils. Poor Alice: her trademark scent is described as "spirited" while Edward is "intoxicating" and Bella is "irresistible." Anyone else wishing Jacob's smelled like wet dog?
Twilight Bed Crown
Live in your own moody death shroud, for a mere $14.00.
Twilight Checkbook Cover
This might be a really clever joke, since Twilight is one of the biggest cash cows in history — but we have a feeling there's no sardonic wit involved in this Twilight checkbook cover.
Well, it was bound to happen, someone was bound to make a felt version of Bella Swan's womb... wait WHAT. HER WOMB? SOMEONE FELTED HER WOMB? WITH THE MUTATED BLOOD-CRAVING ADULT BABY RENESMEE INSIDE? TELL US WHY. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THIS??
Twilight Mosaic Table
Maybe Joseph Fiennes would want to decorate his back patio with this. Ha ha ha ha ha it's a FlashForward joke. But seriously, he probably would want this exquisitely crafted piece of furniture.
My Mommy's a "Bella" Onesie
If your mommy really is a "Bella", that means you are a demon spawn whose father had to rip through your mommy's stomach with his vampire teeth to release you from her womb. You also will grow abnormally fast, be a child forever, and have a totally consensual love affair with a werewolf 17 years your senior. So that's good.
Better not scuff these up, y'all. There is no greater art form than puffy paint-decorated Chucks.
Bella's St. Jude Bracelet
Bella's St. Jude bracelet from Hot Topic keeps the apocryphal apostle close to your heart, but we have no idea why - THIS IS NOT IN THE BOOK; THIS IS NOT CANON, PEOPLE.
Cross Stitch Abs
Who doesn't want to spend hours cross stitching abs on your sweat shit? Well now you can.
Bella's Wedding Ring
Yes you guys. You too can rush into a teen marriage prematurely, so that you can have sex without remorse. And have a demon grow in your uterus. And name her Renesmee. All because of this heavenly bauble.
Apparently MS Paint is still the preferred mode of digital creativity in the wonderful world of Stephenie Meyer, so here is an artfully designed pillow featuring a lamb jumping off a cliff. IT'S A METAPHOR. For... Twilight girls with suicidal urges after their boyfriends break up with them. It's beautiful.
Fangs are so passé, everyone knows that eye color are the real indicator of a propensity for blood sucking and sex-abstaining.
Nothing says "early morning heart attack" quite like a greeting from a giant, pissed off, floating vampire head in your bathroom. It's the Twilight shower curtain, and it's only $60.
Wolf Pack Packaging Tape
Now you can give your gifts a Wolf Pack tattoo when you wrap and send them! Not to mention the hours of entertainment you'll get out of "giving" some poor unsuspecting boy a tape tattoo ("I promise it won't hurt to take off!") . Available at the Twilight center for entertainment joy, Hot Topic.
Salt & Vampire Pringles
Now you don't need to continue stalking R-Patz to find out that vampires apparently taste exactly like vinegar and are in fact used as a substitute for it. Just try these limited edition Pringles!
Hey, if vamps can eat us, why not the other way around?
Cullen Crest bra
The jury's still out on whether or not this one is real, but if so, you had better be a well endowed girl who doesn't mind showing off that space where cleavage usually goes. If you're good with that, then show off this crest of a family you'll never belong to! Because they're fake! And not real! HEAR ME? IT'S A MOVIE, PEOPLE.
TwiCrotch: Edward Panties
I'm sure the vamp facing panties we introduced you to a few weeks ago are already high on your wish list, but we definitely wanted to remind you of the awesomeness of them. I mean, who doesn't need panties where the crotch faces INSIDE. Yeah, mull that one over, fans.
Some of the most sensational, embarrassing and frankly gross Twilight saying tees, buttons and bags.
Love at First Bite Cookbook
In Twilight, Esme and company invite Bella over for some Italiano, so now you too can extend a lil vampire hospitality to your favorite friends who will gaze at you in silence, shaking their heads with sadness that you trust Stephenie Meyer with your discerning palate, as you try to whip up some favorites from Love at First Bite including Bella's Lasagna, Harry's Famous Fish Fry, and of course mushroom ravioli as the main course. See Twilight lunchbox for further instructions.
Twilight board game
The Twiboard game (So I have a thing for prefacing random words with Twi. Sue me.) was first glimpsed with the release of the New Moon logo, and for that reson, I fear it my have been swept under the table. Not to worry, I'm here to remind you of all its cute family-crest play pieces, and the wonderfully poorly done Monopoly rip-off. Rush your order now, for hours of love and blood-sucking enjoyment. I mean, I'm just guessing.
Bella's Birthday Dress
For maximum effect, make sure your hair isn't done and you wear black cons - this is like the American Girl Doll dress up gone horribly wrong. Especially since this is the dress Bella gets smacked around in, for her protection. Available at Hot Topic not that we tried it on or anything, shut up!
Twilight Barbie replicas
Added to the category of slightly creepy yet totally keeping in tune with the rest of the great merch, Mattel commissioned replicas of Bella and Edward whose plastic skins are whiter than white (though Eddie doesn't seem to sparkle as much as we would have thought). They're not available yet, but come November 25, snatch one up for the Twilhards in your life, so they can creepily act out the books on their own!
The Vamp: The Sparkly Dildo
If nothing else on this slightly disturbing list can help you get as close to Edward as you'd like, please consider Tantus's sparkly The Vamp dildo in its cool pink color. Back when we showed you it was available, don't forget to throw it in the fridge before using it though, so you're sure to get that cold, lifeless feeling a real vamp's sparkly cock would be sure to have.
Are you a relatively affluent middle aged man or woman who loves both Twilight and midrange luxury vehicles? Then you should enter this contest. We don't think you will have that much competition.
So your ankles can be "beautiful."
Two things about these bumper stickers and window decals. First, the Cullens are terrible drivers. And second, remember when moms used to be proud of their kids with those horrible "I have an honor students at such and such High School"? We miss those stickers.
Dell Twilight Skins
Yup, in additon to swathing your monetary woes (presumably from spending so much on Twilight junk) in your Twilove, you may now keep your poor Dell warm with Twilight skins!
Don't forget to rip that giant sticker off carefully when you grow up though.