Screenshot: Oath

Oath the brand may be dead, but Oath the web store is alive and full of deals.

Like many media companies, Verizon’s bizarrely named conglomeration of Yahoo! and AOL assets just isn’t worth what it used to be. The mass downgrading of digital media is obviously terrible for the hundreds of workers across the industry seemingly laid off on a weekly basis, but fantastic for the monied corporate raiders of the world itching to scoop up “distressed assets” on the cheap.

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Dear reader, I regret to inform you that if you are among the lowly working class, the option to own and restructure mismanaged legacy brands will likely never be open to you. I can, however, offer the next best thing, which is Verizon’s online store for the defunct Oath brand. The culty name, plastered on various trinkets and baubles, can be yours for pennies on the dollar as this limping cadre of dinosaur web companies transitions to become “Verizon Media Group.”

Screenshot: Oath

We first became aware of the Oath brand store when it began selling an “Oath Scented Notebook” for a gratuitous $18 back in October of 2017, shortly after the AOL-Yahoo! merger. Was it a scratch-and-sniff notebook, incidentally made by Oath? Or was it a notebook meant to smell the way Oath smells—its notes of cedarwood, cardamom, grapefruit and “salty ozone” intended to evoke a future where all aspects of human life on Earth are controlled by one soulless umbrella corporation?

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Unclear, and as of now, unimportant. The current brand store fire sale has them priced at $3 a pop. I just bought four.

Screenshot: Oath

Whole swaths of the Oath store are north of 75 percent off. Take this “Aaron De La Cruz x Oath Men’s Tshirt,” just $4.99 down from a wishful $28. Who is Aaron de la Cruz, you might ask? By all indications, an artist who’s makes the exact sort of unthreatening abstract stuff that lends itself to brand collaborations. Consequently, one will ever know your shirt was A) associated with Verizon in any way or B) an absolute steal.

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There’s an Oath onesies for babies ($4.49), Oath scented candles ($5.99), and Oath pencil sets ($1.49) adorned with anodyne phrases like “raise the bar” and “we before me.” There’s also the definitionally unrequited Oath-branded t-shirt urging its readers to “Create Brand Love,” which you, a deal-maker, can own for a mere $2.99.

Screenshot: Oath

Perhaps the best deal of all, the true diamond in the rough, is the Yahoo! Moleskine notebook. It’s between $8 and $15 less than what the exact same product goes for on Amazon—if you don’t mind the hideous purple color and massive embossed Yahoo! logo on the front.

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Deals that good in media just don’t happen every day.

Of course, the purpose of scooping up the remnants of media companies isn’t to protect the fourth estate, it’s to make a buck by repackaging all the bits and pieces into a horrifying, barely functional chimera that looks good on paper. Packaged with a DNAinfo sweatshirt, an Awl-branded paperweight, and a bootleg Hipster Runnoff beer koozie, this discount Oath swag should be enough to make a tidy profit.