What Jack Bauer Needs in a Cellphone

Illustration for article titled What Jack Bauer Needs in a Cellphone

In honor of last night and tonight's four-hour Jack Bauer marathon, we thought it'd be a good idea to examine just how good a cellphone Jack needs on his annual "day of doom".


•Great International Roaming and Reception: Seeing as he spent the last year and a half in a Chinese prison, Jack Bauer needs a world-phone that can work anywhere. Mexico? China? A sewer where he Lost Boys the hell out of some terrorist? He needs it in all those places.

GPS, Maps, Directions: Jack has this in his own phones, but he definitely needs it on phones he finds in cars or steals from downed terrorists. This guy only has a MOTORAZR? Better go kill some more.

•Remote Detonation: Remember when Jack Bauer detonated some bombs with a Treo 650? Yeah. He does that all the time.

•Tortureproof: If Jack can't figure out how to work a feature, he's either going to have to call Chloe (or the newly returned Milo—yay Milo!) to tell him, or torture it until the cellphone just does what he wants.

•100-megapixel Camera With 200x Optical Zoom: When he needs to identify one man he just killed from another man he just killed, there's no margin for error. Then again, CTU can always just "enhance" the image once it's uploaded.

•5G Data: 3G? 4G? None of these are fast enough to grab schematics and upload the 100-megapixel pictures he takes back to CTU.


•24+ hour talk time: Who knows how long Jack's already been using his phone when he needs to go on a United States-protecting killing spree?

So to sum it up, Jack Bauer needs a phone from the future—one that's definitely NOT the iPhone. When is he going to have time to listen to the iPod, check stocks, or use the touchscreen? Plus, who knows how well the sensors work when there's blood all over it.


Jack Bauer Kill Count [Re-live every kill with full video and snapshots]

Image courtesy Flickr




It also needs to be extremely loud and have noise canceling built in.

Last season he was sitting in a flying helicopter and having a calm conversation on a cellphone. That's one hell of a phone.