What Secret Horror Is Destroying the Nation's Youth According to the New York Times?

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"They do it late at night when their parents are asleep. They do it in restaurants and while crossing busy streets. They do it in the classroom with their hands behind their back. They do it so much their ______ hurt." Hint: Not syphilis.

Text messaging. Yep, really. Thanks for that cutting edge reporting, New York Times. [NYT via Gawker]