Gizmodo
Die cast metal. That was a stamp of approval all premium toys in the 80s received. But not now. And if there is a modern set of toys that deserves to be metal, its the official line of Hasbro made IRON Man toys: an action figure, nerf machine gun and mask/repulsor glove combo. He's not called Plastic Man for a reason, you dolts! Was metal cheaper then? Were there one too many cases of schoolyard bludgeoning with imported Voltron? I don't know and I'm too lazy to look it up, but in any case, these plastic Iron Man toys, which at first disgusted me, actually came out all right. Begrudgingly, I will agree that plastics are the future.
Action Figure
The first toy is the action figure. Yes, it's plastic, but it stands about a foot tall and the glossy paint'll have you fooled for a second. Powered by a triad of AAA batteries, the Iron Man has a LED repulsor in one hand that triggers when you articulate the shoulder joint upward, or fire the plastic missile blaster in the right palm. Either act is accompanied by noise. There is a heel switch which when lifted off of, triggers flying noises that do not stop until you put the suit's foot down. Can head's eyes do not glow, but his chest plate does when you press it, and a synthesized voice (not even Downy Junior's in disguise) repeats a few haughty phrases more like a Decepticon and less like the charming drunk billionaire inside: "I am IRon MAan!", "REpulSOR Blasts ", "Target Enga-ged!" Unfortunate. I would have liked for him to quip about needing to refill the suit's martini maker.
Kid sized Mask and Repulsor Gauntlet
The mask fits adults. I tried it. But unlike the incredible Optimus Prime voice changing helmet, this one is dead. No lights, no speakers, no mics. Just an elastic band and a disclaimer reading "CAUTION This is not a protective device." There isn't even any plastic over the eye slits. And that's probably best because this thing gets steamy.
Accompanying the mask is a gauntlet that fires six plastic discs (think casino chips), sequentially, using a spring loaded mechanism. It is totally fucking lame. Because each disc flies in a four-foot arc that can best be described as limp. Even more stupid, they engineered a safety that stops the gun from being fired when off wrist. It's a weak gesture at safety because it's so easy to overstep, and goddamn it, if kids want to shoot their eyes out with this thing, it's their American right. Plus, again, there is no way this underpowered toy will ever hurt anyone. Nor will it entertain.
Stark Industries N.R.F 425 Blaster: Nerf Repulsor Machine Gun
Here's a good one. This nerf-designed gun has a magazine for 10 darts, which it can dispense up to 30 feet at an alarming pace. It's all air powered, with the clip being driven up by spring in between shots. It fires one at a time, but to empty the clip in one rapid evacuation, you fill the air chamber with 20 pumps and hold down your itchy finger. The entire thing blows its load in less than five seconds. Very satisfying, and included is a easy wall mountable set of targets that feel a bit like shrinky dinks.
Comments
fear and respect???
ghey and lame!
Is that an orange dildo coming out of the action figure's hand?
I thought these were kids toys.
Love the "Jazz Hands!" pose in picture #2.
Never did the motto, "So much in love with shiny new toys, it's unnatural." apply as much as it does now.
fuck that! My kid had die-cast dino transformers that could kill you. The stegasaoraus and the triceratops. Try running with those. Fuck seat-belts, too. That's the problem with kids nowadays, we pussy them way too much.
and dont even get me started on "nerf".. WTF? What ever happened to good old fashion bb guns. My boy used to stop the ice cream truck to buy a tube of bbs and some ciggerete bubble gum. How many times did I have to pay the old lady across the street to fix her hole-ridden windows? That's what being a parent is all about....
Ever since Bobba Fett's rocket launcher killed that kid in the 70s toys have gotten lamer and lamer and lamer ...
"honey, don't bother calling the babysitter"
On the other hand, if they were metal, they'd probably be made in China out of lead painted lead, for added lethality.
@wingbatwu: dude what do you think gi joes were painted with? my kids grew up in a house full of lead based paint. If your kid's not smart enough to know not to eat paint-chips or put dirty ass action figures into their mouths.... Toys are the LEAST of your problems....
@thenastyz28: LMFAO
I now can have sexual fantasies of Iron Man *still* in his suit.
meh, i'll wait until they start making toys out of bacon.
i remember having die-cast metal action figures (Eagle Force Adventurers or something), toys were painted with lead, miniatures were painted with lead, if you had a nice new cr you may have had lap belts int he back, bench seats all around, no airbags, sit on parents lap and drive...
kids today cry if they get sand in their vaginas.
remember what happened when you were a kid and took a nasty spill on your bmx? you saw blood, maybe some stitches or a broken bone... but you got back ont hat boke and rode it home. if you got hit in gym, you took a lap. we baby kids too much these days.
@tegronin: You had lots of toys made of lead, eh? Really?
In any case, you had me at "toys out of bacon."
Mmmm...bacon-toys.
Guys, lead poisoning won't kill you. It just slowly makes you retarded.
I should know. I'm sofa king we Todd did.
@scarbrtj: Ho Ho Ho Ho. You say funny thing!
you know that iron man mask is kinda steam punk, i am waiting for someone to produce a mask with a brass faceplate mounted on a stainless steel helmet covered with red leather held on by brass studs, oh and add a clock mechanism to his chest.
Uh, fifth picture before the gallery [of the blaster].
Do I see Brian Lam's knee in pyjamas? Bloody professional bloggers! Some of us have to get dressed to go to work!
I believe the helmet/mask has a "repulsor" feature. Chick Repulsor ACTIVATE!
Plastic is much cheaper to make toys out of in most cases, even with the skyrocketing price of oil. You also end up with a lighter product which is easier to pass safety tests with and much cheaper to ship.
You don't need to look it up.
@tegronin: man i never got sand in my vagina... wait im a man i dont have one! You really made me laugh
@thenastyz28: I noticed it too man then i remembered Iron man is a ladies man!
I really do not like plastic toys. They look cheap. I would prefer die cast everything.
I... AM.... PLASTIC WITH GLOSSY PAINTING MAAAAAN!!!
At least they aren't non-transforming Transformers toys.
What were they thinking with that crap?
@LindsayJoy:
I know you are probably referring to boys, but getting sand in your vagina *really* hurts. Like passing a kidney stone for a guy hurts.
@LindsayJoy: And this is why girls are grosser than boys.
Plastic is a petroleum product. They've got to keep us addicted to plastic! It's in their best financial interest until we exhaust all the oil.
Metal is easy to get. It doesn't line as many pockets as oil.
Oh, and generally speaking, hitting your sister in the face with a plastic toy leaves less of a dent than the die cast metal ones.
@thenastyz28: Don't you remember Toni's "Love Machine" armor from issue 2 of the Iron Man 4 part series, Love Machine? It was right after the who War Machine mess. I wonder if it comes with the butt oil gauntlets...
@LindsayJoy: I'd just like to say, kidney stones hurt, a lot. If you've ever broken a bone, it's worse than that. Now the million dollar question, how does one get sand in her vagina?
Meh. More useless plastic crap.
@92BuickLeSabre: That reminds me of that commercial of burger king with the eggs bacon and hash brown cheezy burrito, I want one!!
This equipment is plastic so you can get it through security at the airport, which you need to do to get it onto the airplane, which would be helpful if you plan to stop a hijacker, which you need to do to join Iron Man's Rusties Junior League and get your decoder ring.
Most pure metal toys will break easily. Metal is strong in large amounts, but when it is that small it tends to break when dropped. Some of the more durable die-cast toys used plastic joints. Maybe metal plating would work.
I love the fact that you're wearing your glasses OVER the Iron Man helmet in the first picture. It makes you look like Grandpa Iron Man trying to read the fine print on a restaurant receipt to make sure you didn't get charged too much for soup.
@thenastyz28: I thought it was a dildo too.
They're plastic because plastic can hold more detail than metal now thanks to advances in the technology used.
Oh great. Now were going to see some dumb person wear an Ironman mask and try to make an order at BoogerKing.
@Barry99705:
Um....grow up in Miami...go to the beach, this can happen innocently as a kid or well......not so innocently as an adult.
@OMG! Ponies!:
Hey....I love men and male genetalia and hopefully will never have to deal with the "gross" part of girls in ever my life (personally I think I'm just fine), so I can't really argue on this going on my sample size of 1 (me).
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