As If You Needed Another Reason to Hate F*cking GoDaddy

GoDaddy, proud supporter of internet censorship bill SOPA, has responded to those questioning its motives. Surprise! They're bullshit, just like the rest of the company.

You can read the treatise in full here, but I've pulled the most delectably stupid bits out:

This week, the House of Representatives introduced its long-awaited bill, H.R. 3261 (the Stop Online Piracy Act), aimed at protecting the intellectual property of hard-working Americans, U.S. business and the American public from the harm that necessarily flows from the purchase of counterfeit products.

What? Is this about music piracy or fake Gucci bags? This makes no sense.

So far, none of our voluntary action has stifled legitimate capitalism online. And neither will robust intellectual property enforcement.

"Legitimate capitalism online" = bending over for business interests. I'm pretty sure me posting a 20 second YouTube clip of Seinfeld isn't stifling capitalism.

At Go Daddy, we are proud of our best practices and believe that they exemplify a model for the rest of the ecosystem

Which is why you're widely reviled around the web for horrendous customer support, right?

In 2010, we voluntarily took action and shut down more than 30,000 illegal online pharmacies. And, I spend a great deal of my working (and non-working) hours each day working to keep the Internet a better and safer place, especially for children.

Online pharmacies! Another red herring. Thank you for thinking of the children—whose precious minds you clearly care about, which is why you make Superbowl commercials centered around strippers.

If we don't want the government to be the gate-keeper, then we have to set expectations for ourselves.

Which is why you're supporting draconian federal legislation?

As the debate intensifies in the coming weeks, I hope that all of us in the Internet ecosystem can work together to solve this problem. That is, after all, the American way. And it is the only way forward.

Ugh, just shut up. Your schmaltzy sign off is maybe the least cloying thing in this toilet paper memo, somehow.

Should we surprised? GoDaddy's founder, Bob Parson, is a noted dickhole, speaking out in favor of waterboarding and posting videos of himself with elephant corpses he shot himself.

Would any other SOPA supporters like to try explaining themselves in a less idiotic manner? We're eager to hear from you.

Thanks, DaveY!