All week, Amazon promoted its Prime Day sale as a “bigger than Black Friday” shopping bonanza. But today, a lot of the discounts look like they fell off a truck headed to a poorly regulated flea market for sad people held in a dumpster.


Here are some of the turkeys of Prime Day:

“Lighter Bro” Lighter Sleeve

In case you’ve ever wanted your lighter to be a pocket knife to be a quick way for people to decide not to sleep with you

A Half Dollar for $70

In what world is buying something for literally 140 times its value as legal tender a “deal”

Ted Movie Talking 8 Inch “Ted” Bear (Rated R)

Save $20.99, gain a toy for adult virgins

2-Pack of Balaclava


Beard Growther (Grow Your Own Beard Fast)

“Deal is 68% claimed”

Slendertone Replacement Gel Pads for All Slendertone Abdominal Belts

You know, the worst part of this is it assumes that Prime customers not only own a Slendertone Abdominal Belt but that they still haven’t figured out it’s a scam and are inclined to buy Slenderton Abdominal Belt accoutrements

Adam Sandler 4-Movie Collection

No Waterboy? Sometimes it’s like, what’s the point?

Solemates High Heeler

What imagination dreamt up a woman so devoted to high heels that she’ll wear them on grass/cobblestone but also be totally down with putting jackass-ugly clear imitation hooves over them?

The Lord of the Rings: The Motion Picture Trilogy

Boring, sorry

CPR Call Blocker

1997 called, it wants its call blocker back, but you missed the call because you bought a call blocker, tragic