10 Ways to Survive the Agony of the Internet Until November

Image: Getty/Eve Peyser
Image: Getty/Eve Peyser

Our world is crumbling, and thanks to the “miracle” of technology, we now face infinite exposure to just how bad it is. With the 2016 election in full swing—#ImWithHer, #CrookedHillary, #DeleteYourAccount, #Sad!—I, personally, am glued to a stream of morbid news, memes and really shitty Trump tweets.

Even if you don’t read much news, there are enough people ingesting and regurgitating it back to you—via hot takes on social media or dumb shit people say to you at work or the bar—that you’re probably aware of some of the many, many reasons the earth is currently burning.

The world, arguably, is slowly becoming a better place as time passes. But things feel particularly bad right now—mass shootings, the rise of Trump, police brutality (and that’s just the US)—because it is the present, and things tend to hurt most when they’re happening. But these days, the present hurts a hell of a lot more because there are so many new ways for awful information to reach us.


It’s certainly harder for those directly affected by theses tragedies to cope with the news, but if years of psychological counseling and psychiatry have taught me anything it’s that we all need coping mechanisms. Here are some for these desperate times:

  1. Sext. This is the easiest way to get through whatever. Consensual sexting is the ultimate form of escapism and if you don’t agree with me, it’s because you’ve never sexted right. (I can’t offer any definitive guide on how to sext right. To each their own, motherfucker. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
  2. Every day, take a walk and leave your phone at home. Force your eyes to look at as many three-dimensional objects as possible. It feels good, doesn’t it?
  3. Get a pet. Animals, untainted by the pressures of human life, can help us find solace in so many situations. Fun fact: I’m currently saving up for a lizard.
  4. Busy yourself with so much work and so many social obligations you don’t ever have a chance to process what’s going on in the world. This will be tiring, and at times it might feel as tiring as succumbing to the allure of your newsfeed. Remember: it’s differently tiring and that can be better than nothing.
  5. Download a meditation app. People who believe in astrology frequently tell me this will free me of my inner turmoil. I have yet to try it, but hey, if it works for you, go for it.
  6. Aggressively share your feelings online. Don’t hold back. Lean into the agony. Being completely yourself online is liberating as fuck. Let the pain flow out of you like airport sushi.
  7. Delete your account. Hillary sort of ruined this, but it’s not a bad idea. Ask yourself, What does my account offer me? Whether it’s Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, or whatever else, make a list of pros and cons to using it. If the cons outweigh the pros, release yourself from the prison of social media.
  8. Lose yourself in other forms of media. Word on the street is that we’re currently in the golden age of television or whatever, so if your attention span allows for that, I would recommend it. If you’re not into TV, might I recommend Pokémon Go?
  9. Literally fuck. An option not available to all, but fucking can seriously be, like, the best life hack ever. (Don’t forget about masturbation, fucking’s ugly cousin, as an alternative option.)
  10. Go off the grid right now and never come back. Hey, a girl can dream...

Eve Peyser was the night editor at Gizmodo.

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Until November? The moment the elections are done it will be a steady stream of rants and calls for recounts from the other side which will last until the War on Christmas starts, which will probably last until after inauguration day.