Sam Altman's Weirdest Side Projects, Ranked

Do you want to use blockchain technologies to buy and sell absurdly expensive sports cards? Then maybe you should check out the first entry in Sam Altman’s Weird Investments Playlist, a little company appropriately dubbed “Alt.” The company, which was founded in 2021, describes itself as the “best place to research, buy and sell the hottest trading cards in the hobby.” Frankly, I didn’t know that sports cards were even still a thing, let alone that they were the focus of new startups. You learn something new every day. Anyway, Altman appears to have invested majorly in “Alt,” participating in its series B fundraising round which netted the company some $75 million. Alt recently expanded its offerings, with a focus on other types of collectible cards, like Yu-Gi-Oh! and Pokemon. This is a very funny company because it seems clearly designed to appeal to people who have the time and excess cash to spend on absurdly expensive collectibles. One would have to assume that is a pretty small demographic, overall.

Score: Altman investment most obviously made by and for rich sports nerds.

Altman is also an investor in Neuralink, the notorious Elon Musk founded research startup that is trying to create a human brain-computer interface. During a C round of funding in the summer of 2021, Altman ponied up a significant chunk of change to the creepy company’s ongoing mission. Neuralink’s operation hasn’t been without the occasional hiccup—the biggest of which is the fact that its test subjects—a crew of unfortunate Macaque monkeys—keep dying. Indeed, last February, the company confirmed reports that at least six monkeys had died as a result of the its experiments, many of which involved surgeries to install brain implants in the animal’s heads. The company was also hit with a public records lawsuit by the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, a non-profit that lobbies against animal testing, which alleged that Neuralink had given some of the monkeys a substance that killed them “by destroying portions of their brains.”

Weirdly enough, the rash of monkey deaths associated with Neuralink hasn’t stopped the FDA from recently approving the company for future trials of its bizarre Matrix-like technology on humans. I guess the federal government’s view is that if you kill a few animals on your way to creating the dystopian headset of the future...ehhhh, fuck it, that’s a small price to pay. Go figure.

Score: Altman investment involving the most monkey deaths.

One Altman investment that doesn’t necessarily stink of Silicon Valley bro nonsense is his backing of Aspen Neuroscience. The startup, which is based in San Diego, is working on developing stem cell treatments that could help alleviate or even reverse Parkinson’s disease. It utilizes some automated technologies to assist in these treatments: “We combine stem cell biology with innovative AI/bioinformatic and manufacturing tools to develop patient-specific approaches,” said Damien McDevitt, chief executive, in a recent interview with the San Diego Tribune. Altman participated in the company’s series A funding in 2020 and has continued to support its efforts for several years now.

Score: Least nefarious Altman investment.

Another investment Altman has made is in the cyber insurance company Coalition. Cyber insurance is a relatively new concept and came about as the result of just how frequently corporate America was getting hacked. Coalition, which launched earlier this year, is a little bit different than other insurance companies in that it appears to offer cybersecurity services to the companies that it insures. The firm describes itself as “the world’s first Active Insurance provider designed to prevent digital risk before it strikes” and says it combines “comprehensive insurance coverage and cybersecurity tools” to protect clients holistically. Altman is listed as a top investor in the firm’s series A round.

Score: Altman investment most likely to help you if your data has been stolen.

Another big investment that Altman recently made is in a company called Rewind. What Rewind offers is basically an AI-fueled record-keeping software for MacOS. When you download it onto your Mac, Rewind proceeds to record literally everything that happens on your operating system. The benefit of this? You’re basically backing up your computer constantly and Rewind acts as a personal search engine—capable of calling up every meeting, document, or decision you’ve ever made while using your computer. The downside, of course, is that this software seems like a glaring privacy hazard. I have not rifled through Rewind’s privacy policy but, suffice it to say, I’d highly recommend doing that if you have any interest in this product.

Score: Least privacy friendly Altman investment.

Hypersonic flight is an old idea but it’s become a resurgent topic in the world of aviation in recent years, with some calling it the “future” of air flight. This form of flying puts aircraft into, where they’re able to skim across the sky at speeds exponentially faster than commercial airliners currently travel today. Altman has recently made investments in a company, Hermeus Hypersonic Aviation, which says its working on developing commercial hypersonic jet airliners.

Score: Altman investment most likely to be featured in the next Top Gun sequel.

Not to be left behind in the “saving the environment” category, Altman has also invested heavily in Helion Energy, a startup that is trying to pioneer new energy alternatives that don’t totally kill the environment. Helion is trying to develop fusion power, which. In 2021, Altman gave $375 million to Helion in a series E fundraising round. “Abundant, clean, and radically inexpensive energy will elevate the quality of life for all of us—think about how much the cost of energy factors into what we do and use,” Altman wrote in a recent blog post. Ahh, yes, the plutocrat who cares about the environment—it’s a beautiful thing to see. Now if only Sam would quit playing around with deeply energy intensive playthings like crypto, maybe we’d be able to take him seriously.

Score: Altman investment most designed to offset the environmentally terrible nature of his primary investments: shitcoins and AI.

Silicon Valley’s billionaire brahmin class have long been obsessed with health and fitness and, lately, more and more of them seem to be toying with the idea of living forever. As a result, it’s not all too surprising that one of Sam’s investments is the “life extension” startup Retro Biosciences. The company says it wants to utilize experimental new technologies to add ten years “to the healthy human lifespan”—a cause that the AI guru Altman recently supported by making an $180 million contribution. I guess if Sam survives the inevitable human-robot war that he’s currently busy fomenting, he’s hoping to live a long and fruitful life.

Score: Most dystopian rich person thing ever.

The winner of Altman’s weird investment round-up is Worldcoin, a cryptocurrency startup that plans to scan people’s eyeballs to create unique personal identifiers that can then be linked to a “global currency.” Altman co-founded this company and has been in the process of raising more money for its expansion. As someone who reads about a lot of bizarre stuff on a daily basis, I have to say that Worldcoin’s vision for the future ranks highly on the dystopia scale. In essence, it wants to create a global digital currency that people all over the world can buy into and use. However, to do that, scans your eyeballs using something called “the Orb.” It then creates a unique digital identifier from the unique layout of your iris, which is then tied to your cryptocurrency account. People have noted that this seems like a creepy privacy nightmare and they are not wrong. I prefer to leave my irises unscanned and will just keep using my debit card, thank you very much.

Score: Most obviously “New World Order”-type creepy shit. Doesn’t help that Sam likes to go to those annual Bilderberg meetings.