Donald Trump Won't Be Our Next President Because He Doesn't Have a Beard

Illustration for article titled Donald Trump Won't Be Our Next President Because He Doesn't Have a Beard

Donald Trump will not be our next president. Neither will Bernie Sanders, Jeb Bush, nor Hillary Clinton. How can I say this with such confidence? Because none of these people have beards. And that was supposed to be the style for US presidents by now. At least according to one random magazine from 1966.


The November 1966 issue of The American Legion magazine proclaimed that the American president of 2016 would be sporting a beard. And yes, I know that the next president won’t be sworn in until January 2017, but we’re just going to assume that they meant the 2016 election cycle—which somehow started in 2015.

The magazine noted that in 1966 it looked like they were entering a period when beards would no longer be fashionable for some time. Which was correct when it came to politicians, though they couldn’t have been more wrong about the general public. Damn hippies.

From The American Legion:

If history repeats, we are in for another 50 year Spring, to be climaxed with the President growing a beard in the White House about the year 2016.

Hard to argue with that. It was, after all, printed in a magazine. And magazines have never lied to me. You know who has lied to me? Presidents without beards.

The last US president to have facial hair was William Howard Taft, who left office in 1913. Before him, Benjamin Harrison was the last president to sport a full beard. Harrison served from 1889 until 1893.


Not a single sitting President had a beard in the 20th century. We’re clearly long overdue, right? Time to grow that beard, Mr. Trump. You want to be president, don’t you?

Donald Trump with a beard as imagined by Andrew Liszewski, a wholly owned subsidiary of Trump Beards, Limited™




I don’t see any reason for Obama not to start growing a beard right now. He could probably be rocking something pretty good by the time 2016 hits.