Drunken Pitch Master: Finding Glory

Illustration for article titled Drunken Pitch Master: Finding Glory

Welcome to Drunken Pitch Master, where Meredith consumes many fruity drinks, and scrawls her latest Hollywood blockbuster ideas on cocktail napkins — then later carefully transcribes them into blog posts. This week's pitch: Finding Glory, the time-traveling scifi prequel to the Academy Award winning movie Glory. Starring Julia Roberts as the time traveler, Denzel Washington as a cyborg, and Matthew Broderick as, well, another cyborg. Here's the idea: basically it's the Civil War with cyborg soldiers, plus scenes where Roberts goes bottomless for the first time on film! Here's my pitch . . .


Finding Glory:

This scifi epic explains the origins of the Union's 54th regiment from Massachusetts. Contrary to popular belief, the all-black troop was assembled by a time-traveling doctoral student, Mary 2669 (Julia Roberts), and her companion cyborgs from the future.

In the year 2126 there is no crime or hatred, so in order to understand these negative human emotions, students travel back in time and involve themselves minimally in many historical affairs. Mary 2669 is a doctoral student who teleports back to the Civil War era with two companion cyborgs #1 and #2 (Matthew Broderick and Denzel Washington) to learn about war, hate, death and racism. At first they keep their distance from the primitives, but then something goes haywire with the teleportation device and the three are trapped in Civil War times.

New to these emotional displays, a passionate Mary vows to end hatred here and now and teach the world a lesson. She enlists the help of her cyborg companions and brazenly organizes the first all-black regiment, to demonstrate unity and anti-racism to the Union troops. Knowing she won't be able to command the regiment herself (being a woman), she puts her male cyborgs on it. She disguises Broderick as Major Cabot Forbes, and Denzel as Private Trip. Not wanting them to stand out, Mary makes sure they are in fact the most stereotypical characters they can be: the prissy, rich white guy trying to win the love of a struggling misunderstood black man. From behind the scenes Mary pulls the strings and uses her futuristic free-love attitude which coincidentally leads to her bottom half's big moment (we'll fill in the details on that once we have a script writer).

She takes on the last name Pitcher, and claims to be related to Molly Pitcher's family (stupid future person), but is still the brains of the 54th regiment. In order to unify the regiment Mary programs a back story of hate and mistrust into both #1 and #2, pitting them both against one another. Slowly they demonstrate to the rest of the regiment that by working together they can gain one another's trust. Unfortunately for #1 and #2 while acting out their programmed roles they both realize that they too are slaves, to the future human race. The cyborgs begin to "feel" and emote in new ways, and adopt the 54th's quest for freedom as their own.

But since Mary went quite wild with her past-meddling (i.e. building a regiment) by the time her teleportation device is fixed, cyborgs from the future (in Confederate Garb but more like the T2 terminator) come back to the 1800s with the intent to kill Mary. She flees and leaves her borg friends in the midst of the civil war and without any of their necessary re-charging equipment. #1 and #2 carry on, firmly committed to winning freedom both for the North and from Mary, until their batteries run out at the Battle Of Fort Wagner. In the original Glory, it looks like they're shot, but really they just powered off. Mary is then sent on a wild a desperate chase over river and mountain running for her life all the while trying to escape the Confederate cyborg death squads. Lots of carriage chasing and horse-back riding ensue. Including one robot that just turns into a centaur and chases her through most of Georgia and starts a big fire.

Finally she is saved by Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins (Morgan Freeman) who reveals himself as a wise old cyborg from a future so far ahead, Mary cannot comprehend it. He takes her in and explains to her that they have been watching her and while her quest was noble, it was also reckless and aggressive. He then explains that most people who live in the the 1800s are actually cyborgs from the future and that everything is cyclical, or some sort of Life Lesson like that. OK, so this is sort of a prequel and sort of a sequel rolled into one, so maybe we can make it two movies that come out within months of each other because that worked really well with the Matrix sequels.

Illustration for article titled Drunken Pitch Master: Finding Glory


Annalee Newitz

@Log1c: Did you read to the end of the post? Morgan Freeman shows up at the end with "wise words."