We've got vampire slaying ex-presidents, so why not a vampire presidential hopeful? Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, who believes he's a direct descendant of Vlad The Impaler, wants to be your next commander in chief. He's headed to D.C. to campaign.
Sharkey, 45, headed to D.C. with his 19-year-old girlfriend, also a vampire, to run for President of the United States in 2012. He recently switched his party affiliation from Independent to Republican so he can run with the GOP - and he's gone from campaigning in Minnesota to Florida, according to the AP Wire.
On his MySpace Page, Sharkey expounds on his previous political aspirations:
MY NAME IS JONATHON "THE IMPALER" SHARKEY AND I AM THE KING OF THE VAMPYRE NATION, AS WELL AS CANDIDATE FOR GOVERNOR OF MINNESOTA - BETTER KNOWN AS THE JUDAS STATE! MANY OF YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME ON THE NEWS OR HEARD ME ON THE RADIO. I AM ASKING FOR EVERYONE TO PLEASE FORGET ABOUT MY RELIGIOUS BELIEFS. YES I AM A SATANIC VAMPYRE, AND A HECATE WITCH.......IT'S VERY SIMPLE, THOSE WHO ABUSE CHILDREN, CHILD MOLESTORS, KILLERS, DRUG DEALERS AND RAPISTS, INSTEAD OF GETTING OFF EASY LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN, I WILL IMPALE THEM!.
How will his campaign go? Probably a lot like the time he ran for governor of Minnesota in 2006... which he made these YouTube videos for.
So does this vampire stand a chance? Probably not: He has a long history of arrests, including being accused of brainwashing a Minnesota 16-year old. He is also under probation in Tennessee for threatening a judge. So those things might get in the way.
But he's still deadly serious about his run for office, and according to his website if he is elected, these are the first rules he will pass, as acting vampire president.
1.IMMEDIATELY outlaw ABORTION. The only time abortion will be allowed is in case of Rape (then again once I start IMPALING RAPISTS, there will be no more rapes), in cases of incest or in a medical emergency.
2. IMMEDIATE bring our service personnel home from the war zones they are fighting in.
3. Better benefits for our veterans and military service personnel.
4. More aggressive steps to stop ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTION and make it an act of terrorism, hence punishable by IMPALEMENT by me!
5. The Paige Child Protection Act. No child should ever have to suffer abuse at the hands of one of their parents. Anyone found guilty of abusing children will be IMPALED personally by ME!
6. ALL Indian Casinos will have to pay taxes on the revenue they generate. This tax money will go to fund programs for Veterans.
7. The DWI/DUI 3 strike rule. If you commit 3 acts of DWI/DUI, or cause bodily harm/death, you will be personally IMPALED by me. Also, on your first or second conviction of DWI/DUI you will lose your automobile.
8. The Princeton School Board Act. The First Amendment of the US Constitution gives everyone the right of freedom of religion. Anyone who tries to deprive anyone in America their right of Religious freedom and/or expression will be IMPALED by me
9. Legalization of Marijuana and Prostitution. Though I do not use/smoke marijuana or have sex with prostitutes, upon becoming President, I will legalize marijuana and prostitution in all 50 States. The individual states will have control over these businesses and the money made from them will used to fund programs that supply medical, prescription and dental insurance for the citizens who cannot afford the proper coverage they need.
10. Business Blacklist Act. Any company that has previously been in America and has relocated to another country will be blacklisted from selling their products in America. No company will prosper by causing Americans to be laid off and their families suffer because the company decided to leave America for another country.
11. The Better Educational Act. In this day and age of the super techknowledgical age, the only way Americans can compete with other countries where techknowledgie is concerned, is to be better educated. My Administration will give grants to Americans who need assistance in being re-educated and receive advance training to compete in the world market.
12. The Fair Child Support and Visitation Act. In this day and age, money is tight. Hence, it is unreasonable to except a parent to pay an outlandish amount in child support. So, courts will have to a new fair scale to determine child support. Also, no parent will use their child as a weapon against the other parent. Every parent who is deemed non-dangerous to their child will have proper and just visitation rights to see their child. If the guardian parent impedes the other parent from seeing their child, they will IMMEDIATELY be charged with Contempt.
13. The Abuse of Power Act. Any elected or appointed official who is found guilty of abuse of power will be IMPALED by me. Also, judges, prosecutors, and law enforcement officers will have to get their own malpractice/misconduct insurance. No longer will judges, prosecutors, law enforcement agents have CIVIL immunity from suits arising from their negligence or misconduct. Needless to say, upon being found guilty of abuse, they will be IMPALED by me!