The Future Is Here
We may earn a commission from links on this page

Gizmodog Drugs Addy, Attacks Jesus and Mario, Takes Over Sunday Column

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

woof woof woof woof woof jones here. i am addy and jesus' dog, and today i am doing what master jesus does everyday, sitting in front of this big screen and going bang bang bang on this flat thing that makes clicking noises, heh heh.

addy's no better you know. lies in bed or on the sofa with this square black thing on her lap going tap tap bang bang click click and ignoring nice doggies. so jones has had his revenj yes he has. drugged blindfolded and out cold, addy is tied up in the bathroom and i'm going to have some fun doing the bang bang click click thing on the black square thingy. i'm here, fellow webmongrels, to tell you about my favorite shiny things—no, not turds, but gadgets that are better than the iphone. and then youre going to see me play smackdown with mario racing cart oh yesyesyes jones the dog ftw.


you don't know me, well maybe you do. i am that guy who took mr sir lord king gadgetporn out of commission on friday, yeah heh heh that was me! the past year i've been studying the two-legs i live with and i'm jealous. yez. jealous that she and master get all the cool stuff to play with and i get nowt. sometimes i just have to sit there and watch them as they work or play around with their gear. sometimes they use me as a live model for their camera work—and their photoshop tutorials—but i want a piece of the action. so back off bozos its my turn now.


for startz, lets look at four things i like better than the iphone

what? you say i thought you were apple fandog but its not true. i can't dial out on it, can't send text messijis, my nails play havoc with the touchscreen, can't take pictures, wont use it to listen to my bonzo dog doodah band songs because master doesn't have bonzo dog doodah band songs on it, cant read email but i can poze with it. do you know how cool this makes me look in the hood? thought not. i get respect with a capital ruff from the dogs out there.

here are the better gadgets

old computer cases

hear me out. it's a new obsession and it probably wont last long because you know what i am like oh yes no sense of time or memory at all but yesterday i was out with addy in the street and there was this old pc casing and oh before i knew it i had just lifted up my leg and aaaaaah yeah i'm the computer case modder of madrid and i'm a dog. skill!



when the two-legs go into the kitchen and make their tea i know that when the blue spouty thing with the forked tail that hides in the wall starts going hufffffblowpschww that its dinner time. it's dinner, it's dinner time, you know its dinner time when i'm wearing my socks that's why theyre called dinner socks oh yeah i'm a conchords fan too. do the doggy bounce do the doggy bounce, keytar solo heh heh heh heh heh.

central speaker for master's home theater thingy

i tell you why i like that heh heh, that's because i broke it yeah i broke it. came back from a walk, went loop-de-loop freakzoid crazy to see the master and addy, and somehow, dogmagically, i managed to wrap the retractable leash around the leg of the table the speaker sits on. at the same time i liked the feel of the speaker cable on my wiry coat and i wanted to dance the polka with it and oops bangcrash jooonnnnnnnneeees shouted master and this big block of audio kwipment came crashing down. so exciting pant pant my pink pencil is kwivering at the thought of it. Master spent two hours with screwdrivers and glue and its still barked i mean borked.



when it's pushed and pulled around the house its like its speaking to me in my language. its like a robotic friend for me, you know, puffs and pants and growls and makes mucho noizo and it slides around the house with its nose to the carpet, sniffing sniffing sniffing. i know, i should get on her—i am pozitive it's a sleek and sexy silvery lady that is just begging to be ridden like seabiscuit. people say that if you talk about doing it doggy then you're not doing it at all and probably a virgin but its not for want of trying oh no one day. one day.

now you wanna hear about stuffs i dont muchreally care for even worse than iphone thank you very much


laptops and dezktops

the black thing that goes click click click when addy tickles it and makes me so jealous i want tickles i do i do. down a bit down a bit left a bit up a bit oooh there, yeah, right there pant pant pant. and the big thing that master goes clicktapbangtap clickclickbang on—i make my gooey dog-eyes at them and if theyre on the clicktapthingy i get nuthin. nuthin i tell yous. if i wasn't such a handsome studmuffin i'd have a complex.

r-c super mario cart

there's this thingy with round paws that goes vroom vroom and a wire sticking up in the air, and a moustachioed two-leg in a red cap and dung-rees on top doing to the thingy with round paws what i'd like to do to hooverbiscuit. i don't like that one bit. master sits on the sofa with a box with a wire and tickles and fondles that and the round paw and its jockey come and chase me round the room. i bark and i bark and i stare him down and i say in my own special language "back the fur up you muthafurrer you is on my rug and you is chasing me round like some mutant vigilante carpet cop. begone you doggone spazwagon-on-battery acid."

oops oh dog almighty gotta go. master is at the door. last time he came in he was all antiseptic and numb and stitched and a bit high and I don't want that again. he wont be happy if he comes in and i'm humping the black clickety thing and addy is lying on the bathroom floor tied up with my leash. oh no i must cover my pawprints or there will be merry hell to pay. im serious now bye. bye.


Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the making of this video. Mario, on the other hand, is a write-off.

Ed. note: Some dogs have an easier time with the iPhone than Jones does.