The Librarians Shoot a Minotaur in the Balls

Illustration for article titled The Librarians Shoot a Minotaur in the Balls

Look, if you can find another explanation for the what happens when Rebecca Romijn's character slides through the legs of a minotaur on her back while shooting up, I welcome it. Otherwise, she totally shot him in the balls.


I'm still enjoying the hell out of The Librarians, which is cheesy and ridiculous but in a very fun way. There's a lot of character work that needs to be done — the chemistry of this team is vital, and I'm beginning to think Romijn is the problem with it — but, still, fun.


Okay, I mentioned the chemistry thing. The other problem with this episode is that the villains were kind of more fun than our heroes. The high point of last night's episode was the opening scene, which had black-robed people chanting over a screaming sacrifice. Followed by the reveal of the robed figures as two people having a banal conversation about what to order for the next budget meeting.

Illustration for article titled The Librarians Shoot a Minotaur in the Balls

Meanwhile, Agent Baird (Romijn) is putting her three Librarian recruits through some training where they try to get out alive and she takes them down. Ezekiel the thief just abandons the team, Cassandra hid badly, and Jake apparently just charged ahead with brute force and no plan. Baird thinks they're going to be hopeless in the field, because she expects them to act like a military unit. No bets on what the arc of this episode is.

Because they've been so shitty in Baird's training — not that she, who also just joined, really knows what they need to learn to do — Baird hasn't let them out to actually track down any magic after all. They get assignments by bits appearing in the "clippy book," and the three Librarians go ahead and give themselves an assignment anyway. Interns at a major agricultural company have been dying, with company their only link.

They go and meet with the CEO, Tricia Helfer, who tells them to go to human resources for info. Baird tells the three to go ahead while she breaks into a heavily guarded room that they think holds the servers. Ezekiel, the thief and their breaking and entering specialist argues that he should go, but Baird says that they need to be kept safe and tells the three that she'll do the dangerous bit and they will go listen to the fake info HR will trot out for them.


Except that the server room is filled with Minoan artifacts and the HR room is filled with badly-cgi-ed skulls.

Illustration for article titled The Librarians Shoot a Minotaur in the Balls

The best exchange of the night was this:

Baird: I found something real weird

Jake: Did you? We found something weird too!

Baird: I found a room full of really old art

Jake: That is weird. We found a room full of human skulls!

Baird: What do you mean "human skulls"?


Turns out the company has been using magic to recreate the old Minotaur and Labyrinth set-up, sacrificing interns to the monster in return for good stock prices.


The Labyrinth isn't just a place, it's magical, so it affects the mind. Even though the team manages to get out of the Labyrinth and back to the Annex, when they try to leave the Annex, they're right back in the Labyrinth. It's in their minds.

They do figure out that the way out is to get to the center, where the magic focus is and they can destroy it and get out. Cassandra, who is here for her math and science brain, says that she can navigate the maze and get to the center in ten minutes. Ezekiel says that he can break through the security on Theseus' ball of thread (the magic artifact at the center of the spell) in five. That means Baird and Jake have to hold off the Minotaur for fifteen minutes while they do that.


In the same time, the Labyrinth has adapted to look like a normal street. And the Minotaur? IS NOW A BIKER:

Illustration for article titled The Librarians Shoot a Minotaur in the Balls


Cassandra freaks out and says she can't do what she said she could, saying that Jake is right and she's not "reliable." Ezekiel says that if he had a tumor in his brain that was going to kill him and people offered him a cure, he would have done the same thing Cassandra did. She manages to focus, by closing her mind and letting Ezekiel guide her.


Once the get to the thread, Tricia Helfer shows up to fight them. She gets off a few zingers about how the youth today are made of weak stuff and have never made it to the center of the maze, and, in trying to shoot Ezekiel, shoots out the glass case of the thread. He grabs it and runs, and we're supposed to think he abandoned his team again. But he, didn't. He just hid so the CEO would, like a dog chasing a ball you only pretended to throw, run after him. Of course, she immediately turns up again and Cassandra and Ezekiel manage to destroy the Labyrinth by unraveling the thread.

Baird is the weak link so far, for me. Cassandra, Ezekiel, and Jake have some pretty good banter as the geek squad. And Jenkins is John Larroquette, he's funny with everyone. His exchanges with Baird were another set of highlights. When she tells him she lost the Librarians in the Labyrinth for "safety," and he says "Hmm. No one's ever lost three Librarians at once before. It'll take some time to beat that," I died a little. As I did when he got angry at Baird and Jake for bringing the Minotaur to his Annex.


But Baird's military stuff just comes off as condescending and, quite frankly, like she's bad at her job. She seriously can't figure out this team? They seem to be successful in spite of her, not because of her.

Plus, Tricia Helfer is actually way more engaging spouting corporate buzzwords while simultaneously talking about how she maximized efficiency in the sacrificing of interns (which, it's been determined, are a suitable substitute for virgins). I kind of wanted more depth in the "corporation/evil magic" part, and less time telling us over and over again what a labyrinth and the Minotaur myth was.


Regardless, the show's ridiculous over-the-topness works more in its favor than against it. Just... Biker Minotaur. That's all we need.



I used to think this show was crazy... but now I can see its nuts. :)