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This Ice Cube Tray Is a Piece of Crap

Illustration for article titled This Ice Cube Tray Is a Piece of Crap

After our epic ice cube tray Battlemodo, Brent "Stop-a-Mugging-With-His-Face" Rose decided, for some reason, that he had to correct a grievous error. That his personal ice cube tray should be the real winner.

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So he brought it in and made ice for us. Which was a little weird—I mean, we had a silicone tray in our test, and it came in third. The only difference is that Brent's "Perfect Cube" model made bigger blocks of ice. I'm really glad he brought the thing in, though, because it performs much differently from its little brother. And by differently, I mean worse. What a piece of shit.

Due to the increased surface tension created by the larger cubes* against the silicone walls, it takes roughly 10 seconds to free each cube from its chamber; by the time you've extricated your preferred quantity of ice, your fingers have gone numb.

It's hot out. You want that cold drink now. You don't have patience, you are throbbing with heat. There is sweat pouring out from between your shoulder blades, running down the inside of your legs. The acquiring of a cold beverage is not some tantric ritual whose process you should savor; it's an urgent need. Your body is too hot. You need to cool it down. Water is the key to life. You need it now or you will die. Or explode.

And if you listened to Brent, you might already be on your way to becoming a smoldering pile of ash on the kitchen floor, two cubes in the glass and one flawless fire-severed finger cold-glued to a perfect ice cube. Before you expire, use your death rattle to croak the name BRENT ROSE. It's his fault your children are parentless.

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*Not a scientist; pulling analysis straight out of my ass here. But it sounds good, right?

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DISCUSSION

brentrose
Brent Rose

First, this may be my favorite Gizmodo post ever. Joe, I thank you.

Second, I STAND BY MY CUBES! Yes, they take a little longer to get out (I reject this 10 second figure—lies and chicanery!), but some good things are worth the wait. There's a reason high-end bars use big square cubes: they last longer, melt slower, and won't dilute your drink as fast. Plus, each of these cubes are exactly one ounce, so you know how much you're diluting your drink. For booze geeks (like, for example, the guy that writes the Happy Hour column for Gizmodo) this is important.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a long walk. With my ice cubes. Down my pants.