Uwe Boll only wishes he could make something as awful as this time-stopping movie

What would you do if you had a device that stopped time? If you've answered, "Cause inappropriate public nudity," then you've pretty much hit on the main storyline of The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything.


Based on a thriller by John D. MacDonald, the 1980 TV movie seems like it'll be really fun at first — it's got a jazzy disco score, reminiscent of The Love Boat, and everybody's got feathered hair. It's jaunty and silly. I remember watching this TV movie as a little kid and being utterly mesmerized by it. But it quickly slides downhill into levels of awfulness that Uwe Boll only wishes he could visit.

Check out these amazing opening credits.

Basically, Robert Hays plays Kirby, a man who inherits a time-stopping watch, and Pam Dawber (Mindy from Mork and Mindy!) plays his girlfriend Bonnie Lee. And pretty much the only thing anybody can think of to do with this watch is either A) public indecency B) making people sparkly bras C) bondage or D) some combination of all of those. Which is all well and good, and it's a much better use of the time-stopping watch than helping your buddy win a hip-hop DJ contest.

It's Dawber who comes up with the most obvious use of the watch: removing a hot volleyball-playing girl's bikini top while time is stopped. She then puts a bikini top on some random dude. This is really the main use that anybody would have for a time-stopping device in real life:

Weirdly, though, almost every joke in Gold Watch is about rape, in a really weirdly unfunny way. Like, one of the supporting characters is a secretary, Miss Farnham, who is constantly convinced that every man she meets is about to rape her — and the joke is that she secretly wants this to happen. At one point, Miss Farnham is kidnapped by two thugs and she spends five minutes lamenting that they didn't even molest her at all. "They must be members of the Zero Population Group," she wails. Meanwhile, Dawber and Hays meet when she mistakes him for her boyfriend and climbs into bed with him, and they have sex. He doesn't quite get around to revealing that he's not her boyfriend until afterwards, during a lengthy and (somebody must have thought) hilarious conversation in which he explains that she didn't really cheat, because in her mind she was still with her boyfriend.

And then there's the "hilarious" ending. Here's a clip from the very end of the movie, where our "hero" uses his time-stopping abilities to leave the female villain naked in a truck full of sailors. (This comes right after he gives a long lecture about how the time-stopping watch mustn't be misused, or the power will corrupt you.)

In a coda, we learn that the villainess liked it so much, she's decided to go live on the Naval base because there are so many men there who need their weapons polished.


At this point, you're probably wondering, how did a major network ever decide to show this? And how could it possibly get any worse? Actually, it can. They made an even more hideous sequel, which both Hays and Dawber bailed on. Here's a clip from The Girl, The Gold Watch and Dynamite, in which Dawber's character puts some sparkly bras on some corrupt cops:



I've seen worse. *Shudders*