Depending on how you look at it, the Galaxy Note 7 is either a very good phone with one very bad problem or a very bad hand grenade with one very good problem. Either way, you probably don’t want one in your pocket, as Samsung basically admitted on Monday when it urged customers to power down and return their phones.
Most Note 7 owners will trade in their devices for similar, slightly less explode-y smartphones, but the only way to truly be safe from spontaneous combustion is to cash out—a hot $849.99 to $879.99, depending on your carrier—and buy something without a giant lithium battery. With that in mind, Gizmodo Nights has put together this helpful buyers’ guide for any Samsung customers hoping to adopt an explosion-free lifestyle.
1. 10 pairs of Samsung-compatible texting gloves.
2. 60 fake iPhone 7s.
3. Six therapy sessions to treat your Note 7-related PTSD.
4. The cash to recreate this video.
6. 85 months of Tinder Plus if you’re under 30. 42.5 months of Tinder Plus if you’re over 30.
7. 28 “Juice Demon” costumes.
9. Three and a half blog posts about Meghan Trainor.
10. 424 potential tickets to the E.R. for Soylent-induced gastric distress.
11. This beautiful horsey painting.
12. 170 pro-fracking stickers.
13. 34 “New Mac Smell” candles.
14. 32 months of Netflix, Amazon Prime and Hulu or 122 months of a private VPN.
15. One “*✶*¨`*.✫*¨* BECOME PSYCHiC * OPEN YOUR THiRD EYE ✶*¨`*.✫*¨*” kit from Etsy.