7 Tools for Protecting Your Lawn from Old Man Winter

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Fall's officially here because the leaves that were on the trees in my yard last week are now all over my lawn. Bugger that. These seven tools will get my yard cleaned, primped, and ready for hibernation.

Garden Weasel Nut Gatherer

Don't laugh, a Buckeye gets caught in a lawnmower blade and there's a good chance it's exiting at maiming speed. At the same point, I'm generally too lazy to actually stoop down and pick them before cutting the grass. That's where the Garden Weasel Nut Gatherer comes in. Its wire tine collection basket sits at the end of a long handle and picks up small objects as you roll it over them. Apparently it can pick up pecans, acorns, walnuts, butternuts, hickory nuts, chestnuts, filberts, gum balls, seeds, fruit, small balls, small pine cones, seed heads, shotgun shells, reusable paint balls, and pretty much everything else smaller than your fist. $37


Friendly-Robotics Robomower RL-2000

Yeah, like I'm going to spend my Saturday afternoon pushing a mower or pay some kid to half-ass his way around my edging. No, this is the 21st century and it's high time robots started pulling their weight. The RL-2000 is designed to cut large yards, traditionally the solitary realm of lawn tractors. This programmable 5.5HP grass guillotine will automatically mow your yard on a schedule you determine and leaves naught but a fine mulch in its wake. $2800


Cyclone Rake Commander

If I'm too busy to need a robotic mower, you think I've got enough time to manhandle all that mulch into garbage bags with a rake? No, this is the sort of job for a Cyclone Rake. The Commander model has a 6HP vacuum engine, a 285 gallon capacity (38 cubic feet), and can hook up to your lawn tractor, turning it into a rideable leaf- and mulch-hoovering dynamo. Plus, no slugs crawling up your pant legs when you're piling the leaves. Starting at $1500


Flowtron LE-900

So, now I've got 285 gallons of leaves and lawn mulch in a big pile, freakin' fantastic—now what? One option is to mulch everything with the Flowtron LE-900. This electric leaf shredder can reduce garden waste by a factor of 30:1. $170


Yard Tuff Drum Spike Aerator

Lawns need oxygen almost as much as they need water, which is why aerating my yard before the weather turns is a must. The 60-inch Yard Tuff drum aerator is covered with 126 three-inch spikes that penetrate up to 2 3/4-inches deep, providing my lawn's roots with the air they need. The drum roller ships at a hefty 180 pounds, but can be filled with up to 40 gallons of water for a massive 482-pound rolling weight. Now if only someone would figure out how to infuse that water with fertilizer and inject it through the spikes, I'd be able to aerate and fertilize my lawn at the same time. $330


WoodEze 7-Ton Electric Log Splitter

So there's a sizeable pile of uncut logs behind my house that I've been meaning to chop and restack since about April. Unfortunately they're now infested with spiders and earwigs so no. No, I'm not getting bitten/have eggs laid in me just so I can use my fireplace this winter and I'm sure as hell not going to split them by hand like some Luddite. Instead, I'd rather use the WoodEze 4-Ton Electric Log Splitter. Just load a 20-inch long log into the press and the 1.75HP motor presses the wood against a wedge until it goes pop. Plus, it's electric which means I can use it indoors if the need arises. $387


Paragon Spa Medallion 350 Hot Tub

What better way to appreciate the hard work of winterizing my lawn than with a hot tub party? The Paragon Spa Medallion 350 is one of the pimpest hot tubs ever imagined. It fits eight people and has 70 jets powered by three 5.0HP spa pumps. Oh, and did I mention the giant Sunglo LED lighting plus dual LED-lit waterfalls? Because it has those too. $16,500

Bonus: The Twirl-A-Squirrel

Because I require entertainment while enjoying my brand-new hot tub. Bring out the squirrels! $45


Top image courtesy of Steve Heap / Shutterstock