Costco Will Sell You an Apocalyptic Year's Worth of Disgusting Food for $800

Illustration for article titled Costco Will Sell You an Apocalyptic Years Worth of Disgusting Food for $800

Either our nation's obesity problem is just as bad as they say, or Costco knows something we don't, because the aircraft carrier-scaled big box store is now offering enough (horrifying) food to last you a year for a cool $800.


The monstrous, 5,011 serving package, courtesy of food outfitter Shelf Reliance (hey, at least we'll have kept our senses of humor during doomsday!) claims their end days buffet contains "only top-of-the-line products," "developed with everyday menu planning in mind." Which makes sense, of course, because the only thing worse than knowing that the entire eastern seaboard has been leveled by nukes or a horde of flesh-feasting space titans is repetitive bunker fare—dehydrated fish skin AGAIN, mom?

Possibly more disconcerting than the notion of a year underground eating food from Costco is the fact that the package isn't just marketed for emergencies, but for "long-term food storage supply." Meaning that someone, somewhere, thinks it's a rational idea to buy an $800 cargo crate including containing 84 gallon-sized cans, to just, y'know, save yourself a trip to the grocery store. Now, I am totally down with Costco's cheese platters, and pasta multi-packs, but. My God.

Illustration for article titled Costco Will Sell You an Apocalyptic Years Worth of Disgusting Food for $800

So what else is included in this nightmarish sampler?

Twelve cans of "Hard White Winter Wheat (44 servings per can)", one can of
Freeze-Dried Mushroom Pieces (48 servings per can)", and dozens of cans of "TVP"—textured vegetable protein, which Shelf Reliance says "is consistent with real meat." Not included in the deal is a can of freeze dried cyanide for when you grow weary of mixing TVP bacon with elbow macaroni every week.

I'm now reflecting on a year spent holed up in an abandoned mine, sleeping with a pistol under my pillow so the zombies don't get me, or a year spent staring at "2 Cans of Taco TVP (42 servings per can)," and having a hard time deciding which is more apocalyptic. [Costco via Boing Boing]

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We can only supply food for the people we need through a very complex manufacturing system. If we got EMP'd one day and no trucks could run, how long until you'd see widespread cannibalism? I predict less than a week in most places in the US.

I'm not counting on the end coming, but I wouldn't make fun of someone for being prepared.