You probably go to church every Sunday. But Super Bowl Sunday is different. Your living room becomes your temple, and the only gods your worshiping are the ones decked out in plastic shoulder pads showing early onset of dementia.
You spend all day cooking up snacks for people you don’t even know so that they can walk around your house with their shoes on and yell at your television.
And you let them do it because you’re an American—and Americans love football. This year, if you’re looking out to stand out from the other football sheep living on your block, here’s how you can throw a Super Bowl party that no one will ever forget:
Image via Flickr
It happens every year: You invite some fringe friends over, and they have a hard time finding your crib. They’ll call you while your home is already filled with strangers, and it’s hard to talk over all the noise. If only you had a Tereno Inflatables Air Dancer. This overenthusiastic noodle will alert guests that they are, for a fact, at the best Super Bowl party on the god damn block.
Nothing says “I love sports” more than getting fucking ripped. Toss this thousand-dollar all-in-one gym into the corner of the room so you can hit a few sets during the pregame warmup. Don’t break a sweat, though, because that’s going to stink up the place. Just get your blood flowing and let everyone know that you’re serious about your Super Bowl Sunday eats.
You want to keep your beverages cold? Fuck your refrigerator. Buy this $500 cooler that comes with a built-in ice crusher, USB charger, Bluetooth speaker, bottle opener, corkscrew, ceramic knife and more. Sure, maybe the company betrayed the loyal people who funded the project and made it a reality in the first place, but that’s beside the point. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and your guests deserve the absolute best beverage container around.
There should be no question when a touchdown is scored. If you want to really light a fire under the asses of all your guests, ring this 6-inch nautical bell and rip a couple of shots like you’re at Señor Frogs. Don’t be afraid to let out a “Woo!” while the bell’s ringing. Everyone at the party should know which team you’re rooting for, and yelling will cue them in.
Yeah, sure. You could bet money on the big game, but why not try betting on this small electric football game that vibrates mini figurines until one team passes the goal line with the football. The odds are just as good as the real NFL game, and the outcome is just as unpredictable. Plus, if you run this machine while the Super Bowl is on, you won’t have to listen to your friends talk about the subtle differences between a neutral zone infraction and a false start. Instead, they’ll be drowned out by the hum of the vibrating motor. Bzzzzzzzz
There are a lot weird things that you can drink your beer out of so it’s hard to mess this one up. But if you really want to nail this tip, you should be drinking all of your beer out of something that aligns with the team you’re rooting for. Denver Broncos fans: May I suggest this cowboy kuzy that everyone will spot from across the room. This beer holster says, “Yeehaw. I like the Denver Broncos. Giddy up,” and my guess is that you really won’t have much to say about the game beyond that.
Dad jokes are the best jokes on Super Bowl Sunday. So serve them up by the dozens. For example, tell everyone before the party that you’re serving a plate of wings—and really talk it up. Then, when all of your hungry guests arrive, serve them with a plate of the Wings: The Complete Series DVD collection. They’ll think it’s hilarious, and so will you.
Lead image via Shutterstock
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