I Lost 3 Laptops in 4 Months and This Post Is My Penance

Illustration for article titled I Lost 3 Laptops in 4 Months and This Post Is My Penance

I lost my bag on Halloween night. It had two laptops—one of which was a review unit—a bunch of notes, and all the rest of my life in it. It was one of the worst and most helpless things I've ever felt. Last night I did it again.

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"How in the living fuck," is the question this morning. Stupidity and alcohol wasn't enough of an answer, so here we are. This post is to serve as a warning to you all about the dangers of drunken gadget losing, a permanent record of my shame and regret.

I'm wearing the same clothes as yesterday.

If I can't track down this latest bag, I'm not sure how long it'll take me to replace everything. Probably a while. "I am pretty sure I don't pay you enough for this carefree lifestyle," Joe Brown told me this morning. (He extremely doesn't.) "Are you a drug dealer?"

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So here's what happened the first time. Back in October, I was at a bar near the Giz office. It was a first date, and I was doing an idiotic non-diet where I was only allowed to drink Red Bull and vodkas. I set my bag down at my feet up against the bar, and at some point in the night, someone made off with it. When I tell the story, I make sure to point out that it was super crowded, and, like, dark? People were pushing up against me to get their drinks. I leave out that, really, I got drunk under the table by a 97-pound Asian girl and had no idea where the hell I was. By the time I left, I only had about five minutes of genuine, sobered concern in me before falling into a cab. I didn't freak out in earnest until I woke up at 4AM and realized I was totally fucked.

Somehow, this time was much dumber.

Gawker Media had a get together last night with a bunch of free booze. I had a date afterward, but hey, five free whiskeys! I blacked out five minutes after meeting the ladyfriend. That didn't stop us from making it to a second venue, though maybe that wasn't the best idea, since I don't even remember what the second place looks like. Ladyfriend says the whole evening was puzzling:

You were stringing (seemingly) random words together into non-coherent sentences, then turning them into questions by adding inflection at the end. And when I was completely baffled, you were like, how do you not understand this...?

Somewhere in there I lost my bag.

Freshly-(re)purchased Macbook Air, notebooks, Nook Simple Touch, AiAiAi TMA-1 headphones, Canon S100, HP TouchPad (a gift!), all of my charging cables, and any chance of anyone letting me borrow any gadget ever again. Gone. My shoulders hurt from sleeping on a couch I don't remember falling on. I feel like I ate a box of sand and Sasquatch piss. Not sure how much of that is anxiety over losing all of my shit sinking in and how much is the actual Sasquatch piss I drank, but it's making it hard to get anything done.

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Losing, or I guess breaking, a laptop or any important gadget feels like shit—a surreal mix of heartbreak and resignation. It's worse when you don't even own one of them, or, like the laptop I did own in that first bag, are still making monthly payments. My next scheduled transfer is on the 15th.


I wrote this post yesterday morning, once the laughter in the office finally died down. Around 2PM, the beautiful, beautiful people at Craftbar informed me that my bag was safe and sound and waiting for me. For some reason, we decided filming it would be a good idea, so here's me un-shitting my pants.

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DISCUSSION

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Is Gizmodo run by 17 year olds? Or maybe early-twentysomethings who just arrived in NYC after spending their formative years in various college-town basements and are SUPER PSYCHED at the opportunity to live like quasi-grownups in the Big City for the first time ever, so they do what they think successful adults in Manhattan do (drinking whiskey, just like Mad Men!), and then fail miserably at it? Because that's what it sounds like.

Here's a few protips from someone born and raised in the city:

1. You aren't in college anymore, and nobody is impressed by how much you can drink. Trying to out-drink people to prove how much of a super stud you are will backfire every time. Even if you're just trying to prove it to yourself.

2. You do not get wasted at an office party. MAYBE with the exception of the annual holiday party, but certainly not at some random weeknight event. Have a drink or two, but never get truly wasted. It's poor form and bad for your career, unless you're utterly invaluable to the company and have a ton of juice there. Which you do not, I'm guessing.

3. Using 'open bar' as an excuse anywhere to get blind-drunk is bush league. Seriously.

4. Showing up for a date drunk is fucking retarded on every single level imaginable. I don't even know where to begin on this one, other than to tell you that if the women you know don't mind you being drunk before the date even starts, then maybe you need to stop picking up girls on Omegle.

5. Nobody likes the guy at the bar who brings his work bag with him. Especially the guy with the fucking giant ugly nylon dork bag stuffed with every gadget he owns. ESPECIALLY in the neighborhood that the Gawker offices are located. It's intrusive, antisocial and makes you look like a tool. Leave that shit at work, or drop it off at your place first. But carrying it around is socially unacceptable. Man up and plan a pitstop at the office to pick up your gear if you must bring it home with you, although I don't know what kind of work you're planning to do at home if you were just out drinking.