“It’s inspiring to watch Whitney self-actualize into an absolute mutant,” my colleague Bryan Menegus remarked this morning, in the Gizmodo Slack channel devoted to dropping morning news tips for our daily assignments. Whilst my fellow reporters have been hard at work pursuing tech-related leads, holding the CDC to account, and covering our fracturing democracy, I have proposed that we shift our focus to penis plushies, magicians, and carrot bacon. This is me, in quarantine, day 782332. I have either lost my grip on reality and what my job is here at Gizmodo.com, or I have learned that my coworkers have neither the time nor tolerance for joy.
Seriously, check out these penis plushies!
The PeePeePlush came across my Twitter feed on Wednesday, at which point I immediately shared the news. “It is 8:21 AM,” my colleague Victoria Song gently reminded me. “why... just... why,” managing editor Kaitlyn Jakola remarked. I suspect there’s some speculation over whether I’ve gone off my meds in a separate channel, but I can not independently verify this. They may be turning against me. I plan to investigate their schemes at a later date.
Apparently, the entities posing as coworkers are not thrilled by the penis dolls of “chode-like” proportions, which can be purchased at a discounted price of 24 dollars and 95 cents. “Kinda long, kinda chonk, the absolute unit!” reads the description. Does this not tickle you?
PeePeePlush’s product description downplays the sweet essence of the PeePee, sensationally labeling it a “stuffed cock” with “frankly obscene girth” and “terrifying black little eyes.” I see none of this in the PeePeePlush. I see curiosity and wonder in their gaze. I see shades of cream and mahogany. I see a small chonky peepee, the size of a newborn child, and a large chonky peepee, roughly the circumference of a woman’s outstretched arms. Testes, the most off-putting part of the penis, have been repurposed as tiny feet so that it can pitter-patter across the apartment after it comes to life in the nightly teddy bear parade. The otherwise hideously long “e” in “penis” turns into something more like the chirp of a chickadee: “pee pee.”
I immediately reached out to the PeePeePlush founders with an email marked “Urgent” to inquire about PeePeePlush’s origin story. The company has yet to respond.
PeePeePlush has announced that they’re experiencing shipping delays for orders placed over the last few months due to the pandemic, but do not fear, they’re working to bring you pee pees.
For the record, I am doing fine. This is me.