I Sat on a $6,400 Toilet and It Changed My Life

Illustration for article titled I Sat on a $6,400 Toilet and It Changed My Life

Let's get one thing straight—Kohler's Numi toilet isn't for you. Unless you're a Saudi oil sheik, lottery winner, or generally filthy rich person, you won't consider a toilet that costs half a year's rent. But it's spectacular.

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The Numi sticks every conceivable luxury into one pisser. Things you didn't even think you needed—and things you definitely don't need—a foot warmer, radio, auxiliary audio input, ambient lights. And all controlled by a touchscreen mini-tablet with a 20 foot range. Why would you ever need to control your toilet from 20 feet away brings up a series of nightmare scenarios that are hard for me to express right now, but good to know, just in case.

But beyond the decadence, there's some really great design ($6,400's worth, I'm not so sure, but still). A motion detector, indicated by a blue spotlight, allows you to raise and lower the seat with a foot-tap—a victory for all of lazy mankind. But it's also hygienic! As is the automatic flush, which'll kick in varying power levels depending on the amount of time you've been sitting. And the lid? Also controlled without grabbing anything but the touchscreen. It's a germaphobe's delight. This all might be old hat in Japan, but it's nice to ol' Uncle Sam catching up in the great Commode Race.

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I will admit, using a (fully functional) toilet that costs more than anything I've ever owned in my life, sliding its bidet settings with ease as rap blares in the background—I didn't want to leave toilet land and return to a life in which hot air can't be blown up my ass with a touchpad swipe. A lesser world. [Kohler]

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DISCUSSION

thepriceofeggsinmalta
ThePriceofEggsinMalta

I have had bidet envy since my first trip to Europe.... this thing has a retractable bidet nozzle with built-in butt dryer? Holy God, do want.

I'm haunted by their website, however. "Our toilet is so awesome you'll put it in the middle of your glass-walled living room and poop in front of your entire city. When you're not pooping, you'll lounge around the toilet in evening wear, casting seductive glances at everything, because you'll own an awesome fucking toilet."