Another ad in the series of 15-second spots shows a young woman making awkward small talk with a bespectacled Whole Foods employee in front of a cheese tasting plate. Again, the Whole Foods employee isn’t crying at all, something that Whole Foods employees are now known to do with some frequency.

Yet another ad shows a bearded Whole Foods employee with a mysterious gift of smell. He sniffs a customer’s two pineapples and suggests which one to buy. And somehow, the Whole Foods employee isn’t breaking down in tears.

It all feels so remarkably dishonest if you ask us, since none of the employees are sobbing with despair. It’s a bit like those fast food ads that show the meat in the burger overflowing from the bun, with fresh lettuce and tomato looking as though it’d been picked from a garden out back just this morning. Except instead of a perfectly photographed burger, it’s employees who aren’t howling in emotional pain at the stress that Amazon’s needlessly complicated restocking system is causing.


The tagline for the new ad campaign, “Whatever makes you whole,” helps consumers understand that you’ll never find true happiness outside of perhaps buying food from a brightly lit store scientifically designed to make you feel like an ethical person, wrapped ever so warmly in the glow of high-minded nourishment and spiritual purity, focus group tested and peer approved.

Stuff your face with food to make you feel whole; do whatever it takes; this is your only chance at feeling anything beyond the blinding impotent rage of a generation left little more than the rotting capitalistic corpse of a system built on pain and suffering.


Or at least that’s our takeaway, anyway. But again, it seems like a major oversight not to include the weeping employees. Maybe next time.