Premiere Of True Blood Delivers Both Boobs And Blood

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The vampires from the blood-soaked, bare-breasted True Blood series are back — and Viking Vampire Lord Eric has highlights. We're so happy to have you back, gang.

So Sookie and Bill have had two weeks of blissful vampire sex and relaxation, after killing off the completely misunderstood Rene in last year's season finale.

You can tell that from her black eye that Sookie is still dealing with the reality of what she had to do: murder poor Rene. Of course her actually having a black eye makes perfect sense, because it's not like she's dating a vampire with regenerative properties in his blood. But we digress — it has been so long since we've been back in Bon Temps, and not too terribly much has changed. People are still dropping like flies with their hearts ripped out, enjoying elaborate and camera-friendly sexual acts, and Sam's still miserable. The best moment, by far, last night was Viking Vampire Eric's big highlight. He showed up, on camera, with hair foils in. It's like he reads my diary of things we dream of one day doing with giant Fey vampires. Thank you for that, Alan Ball, and without much more ado [because not much happened besides Jason going to vampire-killing camp], let's move on to the Pro/Con list.

Pro: Lafayette is not dead, so everyone can go on living.

Pro: Looks like Andy is getting a little more character cred this season. He deserves it — have you seen this man in The Wire? Unbelievable. I hope they go a bit further with him other than drunk, drunk and more drunk. He's a good actor. It would be such a waste not to use him properly.


Pro: Hooray for Bill talk; it's been too long, you old pale stick-in-the-mud. Of course you recycle and say whilst your life is a joyless hell hole of which you cannot escape, now with teenagers. You are so good at making vampires lame, it's a gift. We missed you, and your pronunciation of Sookie.

Pro: The "Crazy ass, motherfucking, Paul Bunyon pig" quote back at Tara, at the police station reminded me of one of my favorite Tara moments: when she was drinking a BOTTLE of vodka while driving. Subtlety, thy name is True Blood.

Pro: WTF is this basement place? Who the is ... holy hell, that's Lafayette with a beard. Seriously how long did it take you to recognize him? That bucket scenario is brutal. Well done so far — let's just hope this torture has in interesting twist and is being used as a means to an end, not just for sexy, gross torture porn's sake. Seems a little too Saw-like for me as well.

Pro: Bill holding Sookie like he has a stick up his ass. Oh Bill, we know you're not cool. No worries.


Pro: "Is she always like this?" Yes, Jessica, yes. Sookie is the whiney morality police and soul-sucking good-times killer in Bon Temps. Just wait - she's about to lecture your maker about your existence. God, Bill and Sookie really do deserve each other; where's Eric?

Pro: The Fellowship Of The Sun debate. I'm signing on for vampire politics and religion this year. I wouldn't mind seeing more of the vampire world-building showing up this season. Plus Steve Newlin is getting credit as the only actor who can pull off a fake accent — still fake, though. Is anyone from this show actually from the South?


Pro: Jason has to think about thinking. I adore this actor, Ryan Kwanten, he totally sells stupid. Oh yeah and Jason's going to boff Steve's wife, I have no doubt about this.

Pro: I'm still OK with Grandma being dead, but the packing-things-up scene was sad, and especially realistic for this show.


Pro: So, is it wrong to say I'd be willing to live in the house of impending doom with unlimited amounts of tropical fruit and pot, a butler, a pool and hot roommates? I'm not really seeing the downside here. Maryann's house is a-okay in my book; so she feeds on pleasure, how is that a bad thing if she's paying the utilities, rent and food bill?

Pro: About two full minutes of full frontal True Blood sex with fang penetration. I think the last TV show I watched with this much sex in it was the last season of True Blood.


Con: Lizzy's rain scene, with a bra on and no Jason ass? Fail.

Con: Tara's mom to Tara: "There's something evil out there and it wanted her soul, if you're not careful it's going to come for yours too." Enter Maryann. Wow, foreshadowing much?


This is just like last year's soundtrack. Who could forget playing Lynyrd Skynyrd's "That Smell" when Sam was smelling the sheets or Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" while Sookie was in TROUBLE. It's like a well orchestrated plot laid out by grade schoolers [it also needs to be said that that song did not go with the mood of the moment at all]. But thus far, the music has been great, especially the intro. (I missed that little tune.)

But big PRO to Michelle Forbes returning as Maryann. I love that this actress was cast for this role, it's a perfect match, and thanks for finally yelling at Tara's Mom. I didn't feel sorry for her for even a second.


Con: Two weeks, Sookie. You're complaining about the two weeks Bill kept Jessica secret from you? What about the two days it took you to jump into Sam's arms while he was out atoning for saving your life? I know Jessica is a shock, and I'm here with you on that, but glass houses, lady.

Con: Karl falls the the floor after spinning about like a pixie? Fall slapping is such a lie.


Con: Baby Sam having sex with old lady Maryann; blach, too much for this mind. But they definitely nailed baby Sam casting.

Con: The "Gimme something sweet" line during the bar make-out scene. Terrible; don't make me hate you, you slightly attractive person whose name I don't quite remember because you're not yet important enough to the plot.


Con: Another lecture from Sookie about right and wrong. Sigh. Of COURSE he killed your skeevy Uncle, and stop acting like you care. You know you'll cast your morals aside for vamp sex.

Oh and if you wanna see the naked bits, which is cool and all, but not as cool as Eric's hair check it out over at our beloved Fleshbot, ruler of True Blood nudity.