So It Turns Out That Sparrows Are Evil

Illustration for article titled So It Turns Out That Sparrows Are Evil

Remember in the Bible, where it says, “not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it”? If I’d known what God knows about sparrows, I’d have been keeping an eye on them, too.


Passer domesticus, the common house sparrow, is a tiny little bird. The fact that it’s tiny is the only reason humanity is still around. Because this bird is EVIL. In the last hundred-and-fifty years, the house sparrow has taken over the United States. It can live in Siberia. It can live in Hawaii. It has traveled to those places, not by flying — but because it managed to stow away on whaling ships.

Wherever it arrives, it sows death. It nests before other birds, claiming the best places to raise its young, but that’s not enough. A pair of sparrows, once they have successfully nested, will go to other nests and destroy whatever is there. Is there nesting material? It gets tossed. Are there eggs? No, there aren’t. There are just eggshells and gore. Are there chicks? Yeah. Dead chicks. If it can, it will even murder full-grown birds as they try to defend their young. Sparrows are the Evil Drug Cartel to the other birds Honest Street Cops. They move in, they get comfortable, and they teach absolutely everyone that it’s their town now.

Once they have established dominance, they turn on each other. Sparrow males are not monogamous. His mate does not care for that, but it would be counterproductive to kill her mate, who will help her raise her chicks. Instead, she kills his other chicks. Yep, a female house sparrow will spy on her mate’s infidelities, sit on her eggs without betraying the slightest hint of disapprobation, watch her rival start to raise a little family, wait until her rival’s nest is undefended, and then slaughter anything she finds there. She’ll then sit back and enjoy the exclusive attention of her mate, who helps her raise her own chicks without complaint.

Image: Adamantios



Once, little human, I was a mighty therapod ruling over this lush Earth. I became this way to survive God’s wrath, the falling stars, and countless famine. One day I will gain my place, and rule again.