The Worst Part of Coming Home for Christmas

Illustration for article titled The Worst Part of Coming Home for Christmas

I swear to fucking God, if I come home this Christmas and find out my parents are still unplugging their computer from the wall when they want to turn it off, I will fucking snap.


Seriously, how fucking hard can it be?

Click START, then click SHUT DOWN.

That's a TWO-step process that for the past 10 years in a row I've had to sit down with you assholes and explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain, re-explain and re-explain START, then SHUT DOWN! START, THEN SHUT DOWN!!!

What, in the precise two-step process—that I've written down and given to you on numerous occasions—do you not get?

"But Jason," Dad will say, "it's confusing that I have to click START in order to shut something down. That just seems counterintuitive."

Oh is it, Alan? Is it counterintuitive? Would it help if, instead of a START icon, Microsoft created an icon that looked like a 63-year-old retired accountant with back problems bending over to unplug his computer from the wall? Would that kind of visual be less "counterintuitive"? Apparently it would because every FUCKING year I come home and find that you've been resorting to exactly that kind barbarism.

But it ends here! DO YOU HEAR ME, ALAN? It ends here!

You and Mom had better brace for the possibility that one of you is going to walk into the family room someday and find the other electrocuted, lying in pile of their own shit next to the computer, because that's what's in your future if you keep unplugging it from the wall rather than following my VERY simple instructions!



Illustration for article titled The Worst Part of Coming Home for Christmas

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OK, someone needs a little something extra in his egg-nog this season.

Chillax. There are ways to addres this without raising your blood pressure.

Now with respect to the printing of emails I'll just say this. I am sick and fucking tired of getting emails with the sig file that says "Think before you print this email" How about Think before you even SEND the damn email in the first place?

OK, let me 'splain' it to you so you can understand it. First, what makes you think printing an email is less ecco friendly that just keeping it sitting there in your inbox spinning around on your hard drive?

You're clearly the type that doesn't shut down his computer and no matter what you are pulling some juice from the wall along with the 6 Billion other people that do the same.

Second, you do know that hard drives fail correct? Perhaps in leiu of spinning more disk or using more fossil fuels to make magnetic tape media we can just print that puppy on paper and when the paper crumbles into dust then that's the end.

Trees can be easily renewed. Oil cannot so quit burning the proverbial mid-night oil and either delete or PRINT those damn emails.