When Do I Get My Bionic Babe?

Illustration for article titled When Do I Get My Bionic Babe?

The long-awaited season premiere of Bionic Woman airs tonight at 9 PM, and I know what you're thinking. When will my girlfriend get a nanotech immune system and deadly superstrength? I want a bionic babe in my living room, hopefully sitting on the wireless network, acting as a firewall and a Slingbox all at once! Who doesn't want that, when you think about it? That's why Laptop Magazine published a helpful guide to the science behind Bionic Woman, explaining when exactly you will have a girlfriend who can copy HD quality video off your DVR using ONLY HER MIND.


Several experts studied the "tech" behind our bionic heroine's parts—including her blood, crawling with nano—and sadly decided that she won't be hitting the shelves in the next couple of years:

Besides her limbs and sensory organs, Jamie also possesses "anthrocites" in her blood stream that will giver her super-human abilities, making her virtually indestructible. According to the show, the anthrocites even filter out impurities, such as cigarette smoke, in the lungs. "We're not quite indestructible yet," said Dr. Thomas Boland, associate professor of bioengineering at Clemson University. "But I would not be surprised to see lifespans extended to 150 to 200 years within a few decades."


What??? We're not indestructible yet? Is that any way to sell a product, Dr. Boland? Jeez. Next he'll be telling us we can't get a date with the bionic woman either. [Laptop Magazine]

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Scantron Crothers

Lumps of coal + Bionic Girlfriend + Bionic Kegels = goodbye De Beers!