Image: Gizmodo/Shutterstock
Image: Gizmodo/Shutterstock

‘Twas the night before Announcement Day, when all through the houses, families turned on their iMacs and began clicking their mouses; The turtlenecks folded by the chimney with precision, in hopes that St. Jobs would emerge as a vision. The children stared at iPads, bathed in blue light, and all gathered ‘round to perform the iRites:


1. Iron and fold your sacrificial black turtleneck.

2. Curse a picture of Mike Daisey.

3. Watch the 1984 commercial 1,984 times.

4. Abstain from masturbation to express gratitude to Apple for freeing you from porn.


5. Write a thank you card to a Foxconn employee.

6. Leave out a liter of Mountain Dew and a plate of energy bars for Tim Cook.

7. Finger your headphone jack.

8. If you dare, say “” in the mirror three times.

9. Read the iTunes terms and conditions aloud to your Apple family products.

10. Build a nativity scene showing the birth of the iPhone.

11. Slip a U2 Album in the mailboxes of everyone on your block.

12. Conjure Jeb.


13. Think different.

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