Geese will tremble before the might of THE GOOSINATOR

Illustration for article titled Geese will tremble before the might of THE GOOSINATOR

Do you hate geese? Of course you do. Fear not, because the GOOSINATOR is here to save the day.


Geese are probably pretty much the worst things on Earth. People talk about the Black Death like it was some sort of great scourge of humanity, but biblical-grade plague can't hold a candle to geese, in the grand scheme of things. Geese are noisy, immense, and ornery in a way that makes you wonder what selective pressures could possibly have shaped the evolution of a bird whose most finely honed skills are, in essence:

1. Chasing after you (yes you, casual jogger/trail-walker/riverside picnic-enjoyer), hissing wildly as it waddles toward you more quickly and aggressively than a word like "waddle" would lead you to believe is possible.

2. Pooping EVERYWHERE. (A single goose drops over one pound of poop per day.)

Geese, their violent tendencies, and their prolific bowels can get so bad that sometimes authorities are forced to bring in other animals to scare them off. Often these enforcer-animals are swans, because if there's one thing you can rely on to get rid of big, noisy, belligerent birds, it's bigger, noisier, more belligerent birds. Sometimes the swan thing works (kind of). Other times, people wind up dead. So, you know, kind of a toss-up.

All this is to say that geese are a menace to society, that sometimes they need dealing with, and that replacing one large waterfowl with another, larger waterfowl is not always an option. Sometimes, you just wish someone would invent a gigantic, orange, remote-controlled robot with shark-tooth nose art reminiscent of WWII military aircraft and name it, like, GOOSE-BLASTER or something.


Oh wait, someone totally did.

Enter GOOSINATOR — a gigantic, orange, remote-controlled robot with shark-tooth nose art specifically designed to assail geese. That's it pictured up top. They're being deployed all over the United States, most recently in Denver. Over at Discovery News, Alyssa Danigelis tells of the city's anserine plight:

Usually, parks in the [Denver] area have turned to dogs to discourage the geese, but they can cost $500 a day to employ and they're limited as to how fast they can move and where they can go. The Goosinator is a remote-controlled, battery-powered robot made from orange foam painted to resemble a devilish, grinning beast. It can move up to 25 miles per hour.


As the video here demonstrates, the GOOSINATOR is every bit as effective on grass, ice, and snow as it is on water — all places geese are wont to loiter and slime. At three grand a pop, Denver park officials think the GOOSINATOR will be a cost effective solution to their dilemma (just cleaning up after the geese costs ~$1,000 dollars a week).

"We humanely are returning wildlife back to the wild, at your fingertips," Claussen told The Denver Post. According to Danigelis, GOOSINATORS have already been deployed in Massachusetts, Wisconsin, and New York, and are proving an effective alternative to "rounding up geese and killing them, which is what happened last summer, according to NY's Journal News."


[The Denver Post via Discovery News]



Dude needs to invest in a tripod and/or a video production company. I stopped it at 25 seconds - I couldn't take the shaky picture any more. I was hoping to see some goose-chasing hilarity, instead I feel like throwing up.