As always, we at io9 support sexiness. We also support sexy Halloween costumes. If you want to go out this Halloween dressed as a Sexy Emoji or a Sexy Witcher, we support your choice! But may we suggest, trying to make sure your sexy costume is 1) recognizable, 2) not horrible, and 3) actually sexy? To help guide you, we’ve found this year’s crop of awful Halloween outfits, from… oh, that would be spoiling it. Read on, but be warned—while this is technically SFW, some pasties are involved.
Let’s ease into this year’s world of weird Halloween costumes with something sweet. First, we have DollsKill’s Bon Bon Queen, who… boy. If she’s really the queen of bonbons, she seems to be eating, skinning, and wearing her subjects as brutal reminders of her totalitarian regime, but it’s possible more notable that only a very small portion of bonbons come packaged in wrappers like these, so no one’s going to understand this costume beyond “Candy Lady.” However, at least that’s something, as opposed to Yandy’s Edible Gummy Bear, which barely gives out a hint of what the hell it’s supposed to be. The two blobby, indistinguishable “paws” at crotch level are no help. Please note: The Edible Gummy Bear costume is not edible.
These Halloween costume companies sell so many sexy nurse costumes they’re constantly trying new ways to innovate the idea. What’s the 911 Sexy EMT (Forplay) and Pandemic Hunk (SpicyLingerie) are not innovations, but two wildly weird costumes that would be completely unintelligible without their props. The Sexy EMT looks like a superhero, while Pandemic Hunk is so offputting I think he might be anti-vaccine propaganda.
You can’t call a tracksuit an astronaut suit and you can’t call half a face shield an astronaut helmet, Playboy, and you should be ashamed of yourself. This Playboy Astronaut (Yandy) looks like a daredevil about to do some light welding. As for Space Cowgirl (DollsKill), you can’t re-color a suit silver and pretend it’s sci-fi. The only thing that would indicate what this outfit is supposed to be is the raygun, which is of course not included.
Welp, these are Sexy Toddlers, and there’s just no avoiding that. They’re based on Angelica Pickles and Susie Carmichael from Nickeodeon’s Rugrats, courtesy of Yandy. Obviously, sexy versions of classic cartoon characters are nothing new, but the previous bar for awful was set by the Powerpuff Girls. Sexualizing literal babies is a new low and one I hope is never beaten. The only thing good you can say about these crimes is that they didn’t include a sexy, diaper-wearing Tommy Pickles… that I could find.
Ah, another Halloween, another company that’s decided to make a faux Poison Ivy costume by taking an existing sexy costume and gluing fake leaves to it. Kudos to 3wishes for managing to find about the only legging Ivy has never worn and would never wear; they look like they’re from a genie or Princess Jasmine costume. But at least you know what character Poisonous Kiss is supposed to represent, while DollsKill’s Toxic Temptress is… I don’t even know. About the best I can figure is that it’s Sexy Spilled Radioactive Waste.
Contrary to DollsKill’s Take the Power, you cannot put a white diamond on an outfit that looks nothing like a Power Ranger suit and pretend that you’re dressed as a Power Ranger; it’s against Halloween law and you will be prosecuted for your costume crime. So if you have to pick, go with Yandy’s Sexy Fourth-Tier Super Mario Bros. Character—sorry, Gamer Baddie—and put Waluigi’s mustache on your boobs.
In the pantheon of ridiculous things to sexualize for a Halloween costume, Sexy French Fries is only a minor deity at best. But if you do want to be a sexy, greasy fast-food side, you could surely do far, far better than Forplay’s Supersize Me costume, which mainly hopes people will be able to glean what it’s supposed to be referring to based on the red-and-yellow color scheme. Honestly, the hat is so terrible I thought it was a confusing Burger King pastiche before I realized it was supposed to suggest fries. DollsKill’s Stick With It seems to be a more intentional mash-up of Wendy’s mascot with a little McDonald’s flair and a hat that looks absolutely nothing like a chef’s toque. If you think you can explain why the costume is called “Stick With It,” you’re wrong.
I sort of love how lazy Starline’s Hellbent Football Player costume is; it’s just a lousy, cheap football jersey with the Number of the Beast on it. Boom, done, call it a day, and let’s not worry about how happy this guy seems to be playing for the Hell Football Satans or whatever they’re called. Meanwhile, IHeartRaves’ Sailor Sis costume makes me feel like I’m crazy. The worst thing about it should be how the skirt doesn’t meet in the middle so it frames the crotch like stage curtains, but it’s the… bow? Can you even call that a bow? It’s like the costume was trying to load itself but got stuck.
Techno Cheerleader is a cheerleader who cheers for [checks notes] “techno.” Techno music specifically, I presume, which is certainly no longer in its heyday but still has its fans. I am trying desperately to think of a place where this cheerleader could go to perform cheers on behalf of techno that would generate support for the genre and come up with nothing, but I hope this is a trend and next year IHeartRaves makes cheerleader costumes bearing the words “Ska,” “Impressionism,” “Non-Fiction,” and “Stoicism.” Meanwhile, Forplay has created a bold reinterpretation of the Sexy Freddy Kreuger costume with In Your Dreams, which focuses exclusively on the third-degree burns covering his body, and, uh, are generally not visible in the Nightmare on Elm Street movies except for on his face, which here is… just fine. Sexy third-degree burns, everybody!
I do truly appreciate Yandy’s devotion to making ludicrous, incomprehensible sexy costumes for men to bring a bit of gender equality to sexy Halloween. The fact that 90 percent of this Sinful Confession costume is gibberish—the only signifiers this is supposed to be something priest-related is the frock and accompanying cross prop—detracts a little, but I’d rather people have the options to dress like a Chippendale’s stripper wandered into a Spirit Halloween store. Meanwhile, I also appreciate DollsKill’s Not Gettin’ Nun costume, which finally gets to the point and just completely exposes the breasts. We were going to get there eventually, folks. I’m just surprised it took this long.
They Yabba-Dabba-Did it. The brain trust at Forplay, after years of research and fruit(y Pebbles)less brainstorming, finally figured out how to make the 62-year-old Hanna-Barbera character star of The Flintstones sexy with Bedrock Bro. Kind of. I can only imagine that the creative designer who managed to catch a rerun of The Jersey Shore at 3 am one night rushed in breathless to Forplay HQ, run frantically around summoning people to the conference room, and breathlessly told his co-workers this idea at which point the employees burst into applause, they cracked open the champagne they’d had in the fridge for years hoping against hope for just this occasion, and hoisted him above their shoulders with cheers, and in some cases, happy tears. It’s a terrible costume.
Divine Feline here is a sexy version of the ancient Egyptian cat-headed goddess Bastet, which is actually a pretty clever idea for a Halloween costume, and giving her an ankh motif seems to have some mythological legitimacy (even if Starline calls it an “aunk” on multiple occasions). Giving her the DC Comics anti-hero Catwoman’s black bodysuit, on the other hand, is the mark of a coward who doesn’t trust their costume, or the company just had millions of spare Catwoman outfits sitting in their warehouse. Still, it’s a masterpiece compared to the egregious crime that is DollsKill’s Cat Attack in which only the breasts are exposed. The awful mask really completes the look, if by complete you mean “Boob Nightmare.” If you’re thinking about purchasing this, please do yourself and everyone else a favor and cut out the chest of literally any other costume, or go out on Halloween nude.
Hey, dog? You could just wear a cheerleader costume or a Girl Scout costume. Everyone’s going to be impressed because you’re a dog in a costume. It doesn’t have to be Satan’s Cheerleader or a weed-slinging “Let’s Get Barked” Girl Scout. It’s weird and off-putting that you’re trying so hard.
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