Image: Nutaku, Alex Cranz (Gizmodo)

I will admit I spent a very long time staring at this Motherboard story about a new sex toy created in celebration of National Masturbation Day. Partly because it was 9 in the morning, and contemplating a variety of sex toys bolted to a Bop It-style frame before I have finished my coffee is enough to make me question 90 percent of the decisions in my life. But mainly because I cannot ignore how ergonomically fucked this fuck machine is.

Nutaku’s Flick n’ Jerk seems more like a PR stunt than machine that I and a partner (or three in an arrangement that would resemble origami made of flesh) would actually consider using. Yet you can’t just throw a toy like this out into the ethers without some consideration of design. Anyone who sees this machine is gonna look at it and consider the positions that they could, either alone or with a multitude of partners, bang it.

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So I have to ask what dick-having person designed this thing, because (among other issues) anyone with a vagina could tell you that the vibrator intended for clitoral stimulation is facing the wrong way.

Look, I know it’s still early, but I had to consider it, and you clicked on this blog so you have to consider it too. The way that the vibrator is positioned means that if a person with a vagina uses it they will end up grinding against the “Stroker,” which is Nutaku’s name for the Fleshlight looking thing on the toy. That strikes me as requiring the person have a very specific kind of kink that isn’t necessary for any of the other toys on the tool.

You can almost forgive Nutaku. This appears to be the company’s first foray into sex toys. The company is best known for erotical games like Cunt Wars and Fab Titans. Games and sex toys are very different things, and we’ve established in the past that sex toy design is no easy feat. There’s more to consider than bolting a couple of butt plugs and dildos to some cheap plastic.

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[Motherboard]